Girl Talk: Garrus

by Jennifer Culp

When it comes to video game character crushes, BioWare dominates the field. I a.g.o.n.i.z.e.d. over which character to discuss first, because they’ve given us so many wonderful crushable characters (and not just romance option characters. Heeey, Canderous Ordo! Oh, and you too, Varric!). Thankfully, popular demand made the decision easy for me, and today we shall swoon over…


Garrus Vakarian. Oh, Garrus: your typical lovable bad boy who wants to do good things and does that by doing bad things and does it all so well. Who is also a strangely attractive raptor-dinosaur-alien man who is good with a gun. Garrus!

NOTE: As Mass Effect 3 just came out this month, I will avoid ME3 spoilers below. If you want to spout off about plot or character development in ME3 in the comments (and why wouldn’t you? Do so!), please slap on a spoiler warning for those who haven’t had a chance to/might want to play in the future so they can scroll by with the quickness. Let’s not jeopardize anyone’s future Garrus-love experience, ‘kay? That said, back to the hotness!

Garrus first makes his entrance into your party (heh) in the Citadel’s Upper Wards, when he shoots a baddy’s face off right over the shoulder of a hostage. Not the safest maneuver, granted, but his accuracy is guaranteed to impress regardless of where you fall on the Paragon/Renegade spectrum. Garrus is eager to right wrongs and sick to death of the politics and red tape that impede his preferred … direct approach to problem solving. I do like a man who is so determined to get results. And there are lots of other things to like about Garrus, too!

According to this extremely scientific pie chart (and as those who appreciate hot dudes and ladies in video games are already aware), voice acting accounts for at least 78% of the attractiveness of any given video game crush:

As we all know, the best dialogue just ain’t gonna work without the right voice, and the right voice can make some downright awful dialogue sound, well, damn sexy.

In most cases, I attempt to avoid any knowledge of voice actors as real people because, C’MON! I don’t want to meet Nathan Fillion, either! What if he destroys everything I like about him as an actual human being?! (No pressure, Fillion, just in case I do ever happen to meet you.) In Garrus Vakarian’s case, however, I find it worthy to note that in addition to sounding amazing, the man who provides his voice is also quite easy on the eyes. Double layer of good looking dude! Sexy within sexy! Real talk: I wonder if his wife ever asks him to do Garrus quotes for her. Would you, if you were married to him? You would, wouldn’t you. I knew it!

Garrus-induced butterflies intensified in Mass Effect 2. Gorgeous Garrus was not only BACK (why the nickname on Omega, G? You didn’t come up with that one, did you?), he was available. A legion of BioWare-lovin’ ladies who had previously been limited to a choice between one hetero dude and one lesbian-leaning female of various species (with the exception of Dragon Age: Origins, which also included everyone’s favorite promiscuous bisexual elf) pounced on Garrus like a pack of starving varren. Regardless of whether your Shepard chose to preserve her own evidence of facial mangling or smooth out her complexion, Vakarian carried his own injury with a swagger that gave us all some insight into the stereotypical mindset of the female krogan.

I present a Facebook Valentine I made for my friend Lauren in 2011:

In hindsight, why did I not catch that the first apostrophe is backwards? After 0.000135 seconds of rumination, OH DUH, because facial scars, turian … *sigh.* HOW WAS I TO NOTICE AN APOSTROPHE? No one ever called me out on that, for the record. Because good lookin’ scarred turian, see?

Awkward lap sitting aside (cross-species liaisons take WORK, y’all), Garrus knows how to win a lady over. Aside from the bucket list checkin’ off waking-up-next-to-a-turian potential, he’s a good man in a fight, he’s a loyal friend, he’s the most stylishly armored turian to appear in any of the games, and you know all of your gadgets would be perfectly calibrated with Garrus around. It’s sort of endearing when a guy does so much research on the correct way to get into your off-duty pants, yes? It is definitely endearing that he brings alcohol. As we’ve previously established, FemShep is not one to turn down a drink.

Without spoiling anything in Mass Effect 3, it’s safe to say that Garrus is still as roguishly handsome and quick with a wisecrack as ever. If you’re ready to become a one-turian kind of woman, it’s time to jump back on the Normandy and get to obliterating the Reapers from the face of the galaxy. You can wear this while doing so to show which visor-wearing Palaven native overloaded the shields of your heart. It’ll make your waist look very … supportive, to boot!

What would a turian/human baby look like, I wonder? Anyone need to go, uh, blow off some steam?

Previously: Leon Scott Kennedy.

Jennifer Culp is vaguely indignant over being locked out of the men’s bathroom on the Normandy these days.