15 Days to a Better Butt

Day 1. Your butt abstains from alcohol for the first night in a longer time than it would like to admit.

Day 2. Your butt buys an up-and-coming musician’s new song on iTunes instead of illegally downloading it from a file-sharing site. (Incidentally, the new song doesn’t appear to be available for illegal download.)

Day 3. Your butt decides to quit eating processed meat after it read about processed meat’s connection to pancreatic cancer, which runs in your butt’s family.

Day 4. Your butt puts its friend in professional contact with another friend, and the second friend offers your butt’s first friend a fantastic internship.

Day 5. Your butt finally figures out how to push its cuticles back, and gives itself the first half-decent at-home manicure of its life.

Day 6. Your butt orders a ballet exercise DVD from Amazon that has more than 200 five-star reviews, and your butt envisions itself as a slender ballerina type, thinking that maybe the tightly wound, controlling aspects of ballet, and its feminine wrist-ery, will somehow make this form of exercise stick, to your butt.

Day 7. Your butt is encouraging instead of disdainful when an important woman in its life talks for 45 minutes about the man she met on Match literally last night.

Day 8. Your butt finally sews up the holes mice chewed in its favorite t-shirt when it lived in a different apartment.

Day 9. Your butt gets the ball rolling with a new accountant, because several people said that the amount your butt had to pay at tax time last year was too much.

Day 10. Your butt buys a memory-foam mattress topper and sleeps more soundly than it has in months.

Day 11. Your butt paints pottery with a friend at the pottery workshop down the street, where two incredibly hot young dads are also painting pottery, alongside their pretty wives and adorable children. Your butt occasionally looks at the dads but isn’t inappropriate, and doesn’t talk about how hot they are until it and its friend have left the studio and are out of earshot.

Day 12. Your butt rates someone five stars on OKCupid instead of the four stars it usually gives, even though people get emails saying they were rated “four or five stars!” and they’ll never know which it was.

Day 13. Your butt responds gracefully to an email withdrawing a recent writing assignment, withdrawn because the publicist of the person your butt had been assigned to profile read a different profile in which your butt detailed getting blackout drunk.

Day 14. Your butt discovers and shares news of the most wonderful natural deodorant, Soapwalla.

Day 15. Your butt favorites a genuinely funny Tweet by a girl your butt used to be friends with but now hates.