Red Velvet Vampires and Oreo Werewolves*

Yeah, I went. Obviously. The Awl has it covered, so I thought we could close-read this original document, captured at a Utah diner, instead.

1. Right off the bat, one is forced to conclude that the diner has run out of cookie dough and brownie. Considering that Paul and Embry are not exactly climbing the popularity charts, this suggests that people just really like cookie dough and brownie. Having spent three of my teenage years at the DQ (they said they’d take me back), this seems correct. When we grew depressed about working at the DQ, the other teens and I would hide in the walk-in freezer and eat handfuls of cookie dough and brownie bits until we regained enough emotional strength to return to the counter.

2. The blood/red velvet symbolism is obvious. Now, considering that a substantial number of Utah teens will immediately order the “Edward” regardless of content, one can assume that the diner is attempting to use up whatever passes for “red velvet” in the milkshake world.

3. WHAT is going on with these flavors? How do you put cashews in a milkshake? Pretzels? Apple pie? Anyway.

4. Is the Oreo/werewolf thing a nod to the inherent duality of the werewolf? A withering racial commentary on Stephenie Meyer’s use of Native American tropes?

5. Jacob used to be “cherries” instead of raspberries. Almost certainly because an employee realized that Jacob represents primal sexuality, and would most def have been willing to get all up on Bella even without a ring on her finger. No cherry, he.

5. Note the different pen used to strike out “white” in reference to Edward. An angry Jacobite? Someone who hates white chocolate?

6. Where are all the other vampires? SOMEONE is making their allegiances clear.

6. Leah is not cheesecake. Leah is angry.

Okay, now you try. Bella? Carlisle? Alice? Charlie? Jasper? The Clearly Gay Asian Human Who Is Apparently Not Gay? Let’s hear your ideas.

*Yes, they’re not really werewolves. They’re shapeshifters.