Reading Between the Texts: ’Tis the Season

The Texts
Him: “Merry Christmas! :)”
B: “Thanks you too, btw who is this?”
Him: “It’s ______, how have you been?”
B: “Oh RIGHT, good! How about you?”
Him: “Good. :)”

The Analysis
B: Ugh, I cannot take another year of this.
K: What do you mean? He sends you that every year? With all the smileys and everything??
B: Yes! Every Christmas he texts me and I put his number back in my phone. And then EVERY year I take it back out, and then the whole thing happens all over again. It’s like the Matrix, practically!
K: Or Inception!!
B: Yeah. I mean, I didn’t see either of those movies but I can’t imagine that this situation is very far off.
K: Why don’t you just keep his number so that you can choose not to respond when you see that the text is from him?
B: Impossible. If I have his number in my phone, I WILL do something terrible. Like, for instance, text him at 2 a.m. to ask him if he thinks I’m pretty.
K: … Maybe it’s just better if you don’t have a phone. Maybe we could get you a carrier pigeon.
B: I feel like I’d probably just end up training it to go coo outside his window when I’m drunk.

The Text
Him: “On this day, our Lord and Savior the Baby Jesus was born below the Star of Bethlehem. Let us celebrate this day in remembrance of He who died for our sins so that we may live. John 3:16. Merry Christmas and God Bless.”

The Analysis
K: Jesus Christ. Literally!!! Hahahahaha. But seriously, what the shit.
E: This is pretty much par for the course at my school. But do you think it’s good, though? Like, keeping in mind that he’s nuclear-level attractive?
K: Er, I guess? I mean he did bless you. Theoretically that means he hopes you continue living, at least. That’s always a good place to start.
E: Right! But I can’t tell if it’s a mass text or not. It took up two texts, I feel like that’s not standard procedure for mass texting.
K: If he sent that to JUST you I feel like it’s potentially the most terrifyingly intense text that has ever been sent. Like there are at least three too many mentions of Jesus.
E: Maybe. He did say “let US celebrate,” though! Yeah??
K: That’s true. So maybe he wants to go Advent wreath shopping with you. Or else he potentially wants to exorcise your demons. It really could go either way.
E: To be honest I’m sort of fine with either of those options. I feel like there’s probably a lot of touching involved in an exorcism.
K: It is going to be SO stressful deciding what to wear to your exorcism.
E: OH MY GOD I know. Let’s practice some makeup looks just in case.

The Text
Him: “Hey! I’m back in town for a few days! Wanna get dinner tomorrow?”

The Analysis
J: What is this horseshit?? This…this…ASS…message?!
K: Calm down! Is he back in town? Where did he go again?
J: Motherfuckin’ TONGA!!! Just, you know, took a little unannounced trip to Tonga!!
K: Well wasn’t it technically with the Peace Corps?
J: Allegedly.
K: Does he realize that tomorrow is New Year’s Eve? And that if you two were to hang out it would mean that you would be together for the whole year, according to The O.C.?
J: I’m sure he knows. I’m sure this is juuuust what he wants. To just take me out for some “dinner” and act all “nice” to me and sprinkle “confetti” on me and kiss me at midnight and then leave me AGAIN, like some worthless piece of beautiful, poised garbage.
K: Yeah, you definitely shouldn’t go. You’re getting all splotchy just talking about it.
J: I won’t. I’m not spending New Year’s Eve with him, even if he IS hot.
K: I feel like he sort of looks like a caveman. Like a homo erectus.
J: I know. I think I’m, like, programmed to go after a man who looks like he could kill me a woolly mammoth if I got hungry.
K: That is disgusting.
J: Maybe. I bet they were good.

The Text
Him (?): “❤ Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤”

The Analysis
K: OMG. All this time I’ve had a secret admirer and never knew it.
R: Or maybe it’s someone you know? Whose phone number you deleted?
K: OR maybe it’s someone I know, whose phone number I DIDN’T delete, but who is contacting me from a covert line because his main line has been compromised.
R: Do you have a lot of spies in your contacts list?
K: Not like a SPY, like perhaps an ex-boyfriend whose stupid annoying beautiful perfect slimy new girlfriend checks his outbox.
R: Oh, I see who we’re talking about.
K: It’s just, maybe he finally realized that his girlfriend is a mistress of evil deeds and also that I am his one true love. And he’ll tell me that, and then I can be like, “Never can you have me, so long as we both shall live.” And then he’ll start to cry, and I’ll lean in very close to touch his cheek for just a second and whisper, “I pity you,” and then I’ll jump onto my horse and I’ll be like, “Let’s GO, Reginald,” and we’ll ride away.
R: She isn’t EVIL. She’s just, like, mildly horrible. Mildly to moderately.
K: Ugh I know. I never wanted to be that girl that always hates her exes’ new girlfriends. But also I feel like I can’t help it if I just want to shoot her with a crossbow a little bit.
R: Oh well yeah, that’s completely reasonable. I want to shoot her with a crossbow. I mean partly that’s just because I love crossbows.
K: I know. They are underutilized in modern-day society.

Previously: Why Do You Still Have My Number?

Katie Heaney lives in Minneapolis and writes the most beautiful goddamn text messages that the world has ever not responded to.

Photo by vovan, via Shutterstock