Amusingly Horrible Things Strangers Have Said
by The Hairpin
Strangers sometimes say amazing things, so we asked you to anonymously pass along the best you’ve heard, and we made it into an unseeded tournament. An impartial judge picked the “winners.”
1. While I was walking to meet a friend before church, before noon, wearing a dress: “Yeahhh, walk of shame!!!”
2. I was on the subway. There was a homeless man sitting across from me who was carrying around a collapsible card table and holding a Mylar balloon. After he caught me watching him talk to his balloon he looked at me and said, “Ugly face, you an ugly face! You ain’t never going to find a husband.” I happened to be riding home from a horrendous job interview the day after my boyfriend dumped me.
3. Blockbuster cashier: “Your son wants to rent this video game so should I add it to your other items?” He was referring to my 11-year-old brother, I was 16 at the time. He followed it up with “You know, you kind of look like Jay from Jay and Silent Bob. That’s pretty cool.”
4. “Oh, you’re studying Arabic, are you? That’s not your culture.” [I’m white.] “You know, with girls, I really recommend instead of trying to learn things that have nothing to do with your background, you really spend some time working on yourself instead. Just think, if you really wanted to, you could lose like 10 lbs!” And then she gave me her card; she was an eyebrow threader with a salon in the neighborhood.
5. I was actively receiving chemotherapy, at the hospital, sitting outside in the grass between sessions. I weighed 85 pounds, completely bald without eyebrows or eyelashes. A lady walked by and said “You know, sitting in grass like that can give you cancer.” I looked up at her and said “Ma’am, I don’t think I have to worry about that.”
6. Drunk Girl: “So, when are you due?”
Me: “I’m not pregnant.”
Drunk Girl: (shocked) “No! You’re TOTALLY pregnant!”
Me: “…I’m. Not. Pregnant.”
Drunk Girl: (confused) “…Are you SURE?”
Me: “I’m going away now.”
7. “Your sons are so sweet and polite. I would never have guessed you were a single mother.”
8. “You have a really small head.” About 50 different Japanese people. I was getting really paranoid until someone told me it was a compliment. Apparently.
9. Halloween. My girlfriend was dressed as a Bavarian beer maid and I, also female, was dressed as a fairy. We took our kids up to one door. A middle aged woman gave the kids some candy and said, “A beer maid. You need bigger boobs.” Then looked at me. “And you,” she said. “You’re supposed to be a girl, right?” “Everyday,” I said.
10. An elderly lady with dyed black hair walked past me at a crosswalk and yelled “You’re not allowed to fuck!!!”
11. “Of course you would, you chubby thing!” When asked if I would like cheese on my burger, at a BBQ.
12. After asking what race I was and I, in a moment of weakness, actually giving the real answer: “Wow! I would never have guessed you were black! You’re so pretty! Are you sure?”
13. Some neighborhood toughs to a guy friend I was walking with: “I’m gonna fuck your bitch so hard her ass is gonna cum.”
14. I’m wearing lace tights (and other clothes, thank you!) and riding on the Metro in Washington DC.
Female stranger: Damn, girl. That looks terrible.
Me: I’m sorry?
Female stranger: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR LEGS GIRL!
Me: I am . . . wearing tights?
Female stranger: Oh shit, I though you were a burn victim.
15. Yelling, while at the DMV: “No, I don’t want to be an organ donor! Don’t you know that now when you die, they give you this shot that makes you come back to life? So if you’re an organ donor you come back and then you don’t have any organs!”
16. So, post-make-out-slobber-fest on a dance floor at da club with tall, dark, and handsome, duder and I exchanged digits outside. Next evening he called to schedule a date, and said, “I’m not very picky, but you looked interesting.” I still went on the date.
17. Ten years ago, an older woman at my church who I knew only by sight told me, an awkwardly lanky and skinny 12-year-old with a shaky body image, “You know, the way your ribs poke out, it looks like you have two extra boobs under your boobs. You have four small boobs! Almost like a cat!”
18. Before an early-afternoon college football game, I was walking to my job writing obituaries at my hometown’s newspaper. As I passed a parking lot, a man as old as my grandpa offered me a beer. Because I was underage, I declined. Then he said, “So how about a blow job instead?”
19. After just meeting a former, five foot tall roommate, “Ooh you’re tall. You can reach things off the top shelf for me! You know what would be add to this awesome? If you also had a penis!”
20. I’m walking down the street, about to pass a dude on a stoop: “DAMN girl HAAAY!” I walk past him. “OH HELL NO that girl ain’t got no ass! Aw no, shit, never mind THAT.”
21. Man in sloppy, oversized coat and hat: “You know you really shouldn’t wear skirts in winter, even with nylons. The cold is bad for your vaginal area.” As I back away: “Hey, I am a gynecologist, I can say these things!”
22. From a girl I had just met at a bar, through mutual friends:
Her: “Is that your real hair?”
[Awkward silence as everyone in group dies of discomfort.]
Her: “Oh! No! Hahaha! It looks really good! it just looks kind of fake and wiggy!”
Her: “No, it’s cute! Like Monica Lewinsky!”
23. My college hosts the state’s annual Special Olympics each year, so we are encouraged to be helpful with the athletes walking around campus. I was waiting at the corner for the light to change, and the lady next to me looks at me and says, “Excuse me, should you be crossing the street by yourself? Do you need help?” I was not an athlete.
24. After giving a sushi waitress my order she said, “You eat a lot, you freak.”
25. After introducing himself at a bar, without a pause long enough for me to swiftly turn away, a man leans in and blinks his eyelashes on my cheek, leaning closer he whispers in my ear “that was a butterfly kiss.”
26. “I really feel like I’ve met you before. No? Are you sure? Really? God, you must just have one of those really generic faces that just looks like everyone because it doesn’t look like anything at all, you know?”
27. “What happened? You used to be prettier.” Guy I’d never met before, who heard my last name and thought I was my sister.
28. I’m at a bar, on a date with a totally different guy when this guy sitting next to us starts talking non stop about how great my boobs are. He turns to the girl he’s with and says “It’s too bad she’s not bi, we could play with her.” The girl responds, “Oh I’m not nearly drunk enough.”
29. Store clerk, upon seeing my driver’s license picture with my natural hair color: “Ugh! Why’d you dye your hair that dishwater blonde color in that picture? It looks way better now.”
30. A homeless man approaches me and my girlfriend while we’re eating cupcakes in a public area.
Man: Wow, you have really great hair.
Me: … I’m glad you think so.
Man: It’s very nice and pretty…[ferociously] like a girl! [He runs away.]
31. “You’re really pretty except for when you smile.”
32. A cashier while checking out at a clothing store:
Her: “Oh, this is really cute!”
Me: “Uh, thanks…”
Her: “It’s a good thing you’re buying it now, too.”
Me: “Yeah, I figured I’d go ahead and get a jacket before the weather gets too cold.”
Her: “Oh, I just meant that we seem to run out of the really big sizes quickly.”
Next: Amusingly Horrible Things I Have Said. Please submit!