Is Your Man a Scrub? Davy Crockett vs. Daniel Boone
by Caity Weaver
Ladies, does your man still insist on going by a diminutive version of his Christian name even though he is, from all outward appearances, a grown-ass man?
Who is less of a scrub? Ladies, ladies, ladies. Why does your man cling to these paltry vestiges of his youth? You are already running late this morning and you don’t have time to fight with your cat about taking her antibiotics. Who’s gonna wrap those cat-pills in deli meat, diffusing a hostile situation and giving you time to finish flat ironing your bangs? Some child named Davy? I don’t think so. BOONE.
How do dogs act around your man?
Crockett: They get distracted by his hat.
Boone: They start buggin’.
Who is less of a scrub? Ladies, what terrible secret is your man hiding, that only that dog is privy to? What does that dog know that we do not? CROCKETT.
Guess what, ladies? You are beautiful and you are great and you deserve a man who is so amazing he has had songs written about awesome he is. Has your man ever been the inspiration of a popular laudatory ballad?
Crockett: Of course! Davy! Davy Crockett! King of the Wild Frontier!
Boone: Do you know this song?
Who is less of a scrub? Hell no you don’t know that song! CROCKETT.
Has your man ever killed “Kilt him a b’ar?”
Crockett: Yes. According to his song (see above), when he was only three.
Boone: ALSO YES! As the story goes, Boone then carved a record of his feat into the bark of a beech tree along the Watauga River in Tennessee. (The inscription read: “D. Boon CillED A. BAr on tree in the YEAR 1760.” — Bold experimentation with capitalization, grammar, and spelling preserved from the original.)
Who is less of a scrub? First off: Ladies! Where are you meeting these burly b[e]ar killing men?! Bolt Bus? Are you meeting these dudes on the Bolt Bus? I need answers!
Now, back to the task at hand: Davy Crockett kilt him a b’ar when he was only three. That’s dangerous and adorable — a killer YouTube combination! Boone, on the other hand, was so busy bragging about killing a BAr that he forgot how to spell his own name. Boone doesn’t even have that many letters, ladies! How embarrassed would you be if that mistake happened again, say, in the guestbook at your boss’s wedding? (Also, since the name is spelled incorrectly, most people now assume the whole thing was made up.) CROCKETT.
Celebrity crush time, ladies! What famous actor has portrayed Your Man in a film or TV show about his life?
Crockett: Billy Bob Thornton in The Alamo (2004).
Boone: Fess Parker on the Daniel Boone TV series (1964–1970).
Who is less of a scrub? TWIST!!! Hold fast to your chapeaux ladies — it turns out you can’t pay people to NOT be Davy Crockett! Though he is best known for portraying Daniel Boone in the eponymous TV series, Fess Parker also played Crockett in a couple Disney miniseries in the 1950s. What a popular guy! CROCKETT.
Crockett: (Views on bacon unknown.)
Boone: According to a book (!) President Theodore Roosevelt wrote about him (!!), Boone “killed great numbers of black bear, and made bacon of them, precisely as if they had been hogs.” (!!!)
Who is less of a scrub? This is crazy! Can you imagine Barack Obama writing a book about your man? And, right there, on page 25, something like: “He often spiced up frozen hors d’oeuvres from Trader Joe’s by garnishing them with freshly chopped cilantro.”
Also, how ‘bout this: bear bacon? A delicious, crispy (probably gamy) addition to your lo-fi lifestyle! BOONE.
But, you know what, ladies? We don’t just love our men for their bear bacon. We also love them for their abilities to “rap with” us and “keep it real.” Please provide an example of your man talking some #REALTALK.
Crockett: (On the importance of conscience over politics) “Look at my arms, you will find no party hand-cuff on them.”
Boone: (On his reputation as a luddite backwoodsman) “Nothing embitters my old age [like] the circulation of absurd stories that I retire as civilization advances.”
Who is less of a scrub? Not gonna be a very sexy party without the party hand-cuffs ladies! BOONE.
Apart from being a generic folk hero, for what specific act is your man best known?
Crockett: As a Congressman from Tennessee, he was the most vocal opponent of President Andrew Jackson’s Indian Removal Act. (Crockett’s anti-Jackson views eventually cost him his seat in the House of Representatives.)
Boone: He explored and settled the land that later became known as the great state (commonwealth) of Kentucky, earning him the nickname “Columbus of the Woods.”
Who is less of a scrub? We have Daniel Boone to thank for Kentucky. CROCKETT.
Is your man a scrub?
Conclusions: Bear bacon!
Previously: Van Gogh vs. Gauguin.
Caity Weaver is available for hire as a personal scrubs consultant, or as anything, please, please hire her. This is her Twitter.