I’m So Sad I Could Eat a Horse! A Foodie’s Guide to Eating Your Emotions

by Rose Surnow

There is no problem that delicious food can’t solve. Unless of course the problem is that there is no food. But here are my top five food recommendations for when you’re feeling blue.

1. Strawberry Cheesecake, or I’m a meaningless particle in a godless universe.

Sometimes I leave the house and I’m like, “I know I’m missing something.” And then I realize, “Oh yeah, a purpose!” I hate feeling like a tiny speck in a vast abyss. But man, do I love cake! One slice of cheesecake has close to 1,000 calories, which means that when you’re eating it there’s a good chance you could black out … finally. It’s best consumed in your bed at 3 a.m. and pairs beautifully with a mug of tap water.

2. Potato Skins, or Just had a political conversation with my dad.

So, it’s weird when you’re having lunch with your dad and he says, “The Tea Party is the only viable party, it’s the future.” And you’re like, “Um, do you mind if I order the potato skins as an appetizer and don’t share them because I need to numb myself?” And he responds, “I’m just saying, Michelle Bachmann has some great points.” “Can we talk about Adam Sandler or tennis, one of the safe topics that I faxed to you before lunch?” Best consumed with steak and dessert, because you’re not paying.

3. Molten Lava Cake for Two, or My dog is dead and she’s never coming back!

When you order a Molten Lava Cake for Two, you’re saying, “I’m wearing sweats for a while and I’m not ready to talk about it.” Yeah sure, Peppers was 14 years old and immobile, but she loved me even when I when I dressed like a gangster for two weeks in middle school. Best consumed while wearing an XXL t-shirt with Taz and Tweety on it, brown lip liner, and surprised eyebrows.

4. Martini, or I hate flying.

This turbulence is so scary, we’re all gonna diiiiiiieeee! What? The plane hasn’t taken off yet? Well, you don’t have to be a bitch about it! What? You’re not being a bitch, you’re braiding my hair and singing “Edelweiss” to calm me down? That’s nice of you, thanks for holding my hands even though they’re so clammy. This martini goes great with five more martinis.

5. Nachos, or Just had unprotected sex with a bartender.

So, maybe you were drunk, fine. Maybe he was smokin’ hot, fine. Maybe you went home and had bangin’ sex, fine. But without a condom! What? He’s a bartender! His job is to collect STDs, while occasionally making some drinks. How dare you? This is not funny! Eat nachos and think about what you did. I don’t care WHAT band he told you he was in! Best consumed with a stiff drink since I don’t even know who you are anymore.

Previously: Decoding First Date Compliments.

Rose Surnow is a stand-up comic/writer/actor. Follow her on Twitter at RoseSurnow.

Photos by Robyn Mackenzie (cheesecake), bonchan (potato skins), Imcsike (cake), and Monkey Business Images (nachos), via Shutterstock