The Five Stages of Finding Out Your Dad Is Into Planking
by Lindsay Miller
“You cannot possibly be serious. You’re messing with me, right? Are you messing with me? You’re a grown-up. Well, you’re not actually a grown-up, but you’re OLD ENOUGH to be a grown-up. Please tell me you have a shred of dignity left. Tell me you don’t actually … plank.”
“That is it. I can’t even deal with this anymore. I was fine when you started a band. I think it’s great that you still surf. I looked the other way when you started wearing skinny jeans, and I didn’t say anything about the skateboard earring. But this is IT. You have gone too far. This is so much worse than the time you grew an ‘ironic’ mullet. I will not allow my own father to turn into a hipster! Do you know that people have DIED from planking?! Get down from there!”
“Dad, come on. Please stop. This is ridiculous. Look, I’ll … I’ll get your car detailed. Anything. I’ll go get a Rolling Stones tattoo that matches yours, just like you always wanted. Whatever you want. Just stop.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake. You win. Do whatever you want. You’re obviously going to anyway. You don’t care how embarrassing it is for YOUR CHILDREN when you wear GOLD LAMÉ LEGGINGS and do your Mick Jagger impression, why should you care how I feel about this? I don’t know how anyone ever manages to experience a moment of happiness in this world. Please don’t even talk to me about owling.”
“…actually, that does look kind of funny. Ooh, scoot forward so you’re over the water! Awesome! Hey, how about that weird log over there?”
Lindsay Miller’s dad is into planking.