Mondo Labia

by Christa Faust

Ladies, here’s an important tip to help you determine if your man is serious husband material: If he has large, dangling genitals, then you can tell that those parts have been overused and stretched out, and he’s obviously dirty, diseased and slutty. But if he has tiny, barely visible genitals that don’t hang down too far, that means he is clean, healthy, virginal, and worthy of marriage.

Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Yet, when I was doing research for this article, I saw the reverse version of this advice being given to men. The post in question showed two women bent over side by side. The one with the small, hidden inner labia was deemed clean, healthy, and virginal, while the one with larger, protruding labia was branded a nasty, diseased whore. It should be noted that both of the women in the photo are adult performers, so it’s reasonable to assume that both of them are having frequent sex with multiple partners. Obviously, neither one is “virginal.”

Fact: Sexual intercourse does not make your labia longer. They are either naturally large or naturally small or somewhere in between, just like testicles. Don’t believe me? Check out famous MILF porn star Rebecca Bardoux, who has been making a living with her petite “virginal” labia for nearly 20 years.

On the other hand, Scarleteen, a sex education and advice website for teens, receives tons of emails from young female readers who have been made to feel self-conscious about their large labia. Clearly, these teenagers, many of whom actually are virgins, have not been “overused” or stretched out. The only thing that has been overused is their already heightened sense of media-induced body-shame.

I have always been both horrified and fascinated by the lengths women will go to make themselves conform to ever-changing cultural standards of perfection. But there was never anything (besides hair removal or piercing) that you could do to modify your nether regions. Not until now. Now, everywhere women turn, we are bombarded by ads for vaginal plastic surgery, asking us if we suffer from feelings of anxiety and low self esteem due to overly large, “imperfect” labia. Personally, I don’t get this “perfect pussy” nonsense. I’ve seen plenty and every single one is totally unique. Everyone who likes them (just like those who prefer penises) has a different idea about what constitutes the perfect pussy. Some like “innies” and some like “outies.” Some don’t care what it looks like, as long as it’s wet and happy. This is how it should be, variety being the spice of life and all. Something for everyone. Apparently some plastic surgeons really do insist that there’s such a thing as an objectively “perfect vagina” that women should pay to emulate. This most desirable pudenda is one with a petite clitoral hood and tiny, perfectly symmetrical labia minora that do not protrude beyond the labia majora. A look that just coincidentally happens to be something they can surgically create with a simple, in-office procedure.

Me, I have a large, pronounced clitoris and generous labia minora that I am quite fond of, thank you very much. They have served me well over the years and I would not give up a single millimeter of their size in order to make my vagina fit some plastic surgeon’s idea of “perfect.” In spite of these supposed flaws, I’ve always been totally happy with my personal endowments and I have never once had someone hit the breaks after the big reveal and call the whole thing off because my vagina just wasn’t good enough. Yet, when I poke around online, I see before and after photos of women who started off with external genitalia far smaller than mine and still paid to get chopped. According to the guys selling labiaplasty, I should be suffering from anxiety and low self esteem due to my ugly, imperfect vagina. Of course I don’t, but I can’t help but feel sympathy for women who do. Like one 15-year-old patient whose underaged area I found available for viewing online, both before and after her labiaplasty. Never mind the fact that she’s a minor and anyone with internet access can ogle her at will, but what kind of world do we live in where a teenage girl has been made to feel so ashamed of her labia that she needs plastic surgery? We’re not talking freakish, foot-long batwings here, we’re talking just slightly larger than average.

Of course there was the totally absurd claim that, in addition to anxiety and low self esteem, she also experienced “discomfort in clothes” and therefore required this procedure at an age where most people are just figuring out how amazing it is down there. “Discomfort in clothes?” Give me a break. If your clothes are too tight for your junk, buy better fitting clothes. The smallest penis in the world is longer than this girl’s original labia, but you never see young men going in for penis reduction surgery because of “discomfort in clothes.” Discomfort in her own skin is more like it. She obviously saw mean, ignorant posts like the one I described at the beginning of this article and bought some surgeon’s hard-sell baloney about her baloney curtains. Just like so many young women buy the idea that they need breast implants, collagen duck-lips, or to be rail-thin in order to be loved.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for body modification and freedom of choice. But before you shell out your hard-earned simoleons to chop off your labia, take a minute to google an adult website called “Mondo Labia.” (Very NSFW.) This is just one of dozens of websites dedicated to the fervent worship of women just like you.

Bottom line: If the person you’re with doesn’t think your pussy is perfect, dump them and find someone who does.

Christa Faust has penned numerous crime and horror novels, including the Scribe Award-winning novel version of the cult movie Snakes on a Plane and Edgar Award-Nominated Money Shot. Choke Hold, the standalone follow-up to Money Shot, is released on October 4th.