Amusingly Horrible Things Significant Others Have Said: The Bracket

by The Hairpin

Significant others sometimes say amazing things, so we asked you to anonymously pass along the best you’ve heard, and we made it into a tournament. An impartial judge picked the “winners.”

1. “You are so much like my ex-wife. Except not Asian, or hot, or tall, or smart, or funny.”

2. [Whenever we would cuddle, my boyfriend at the time would lift my shirt up slightly, smush my belly together, and sing:] “Spongebob Square Flab.”

3. “Asking me to give up cocaine is like asking me to give up TV. If I walked into a room where all of my friends were watching TV, would you expect me to just turn around and leave?”

4. [On declaring I would be Dorothy when identifying who would be what Golden Girl, my girlfriend says:] “Because you’re always the undesirable.”

5. “You’re always nagging me and making me feel like some terrible, lazy person. And I’m not — all I want is a job where I can show up hung over any time I want, with no consequences.”

6. “There’s a show pony, with a trimmed mane and braided tail, and then there’s a wild horse running though a prairie. You’re like that horse. I mean, there’s supermodels, and then there’s dirt.” [And I am like dirt?] “Yeah.” [We are no longer together.]

7. [We’d been married for 12 years and were living 200 miles apart due to job transfers. I was upset that he didn’t get me a gift on Valentine’s Day.] “I shouldn’t have to work for you — you’re my wife.” [Clarification: now I’m his ex-wife.]

8. [My ex-boyfriend, upon our breakup:] “It’s not that you’re not attractive. You’re really hot. But I’m just not attracted to your personality.” [Note that he said this as if I should be relieved.]

9. [Shortly after we were married my husband told me that he’d never wanted to marry a beautiful woman because she would attract too much attention, so I:] “truly fit the bill.”

10. “Being friends with you is too much like dating you. I think we need to stop talking to each other.” [Said over AIM three months after break up, six states away, and five minutes after I told him I was pregnant.]

11. [Boyfriend of three years, when I was crying hysterically because I had just found out my mother was on a life-support machine across the country and I was asking him to come home and comfort me:] “Well, what good would me coming home do? You’re just going to cry. I’m drinking with my friends, I haven’t seen them in a while.” [A while = two weeks.]

12. “You know why you’re never going to be in a healthy relationship? Because you’re selfish. And you keep wearing wedges. No wonder you can’t make anything last.”

13. [As we were walking the dogs one night, my husband cheerfully announced:] “You know if it wasn’t for you[r Eating Disorder therapy], I’d be shopping for a new car right now.”

14. “Why are you so upset? Is this because I’ve dated girls hotter than you?”

15. [Two years into our relationship] “I thought this would work out, but you are just better at [shared career], and I realized I can’t stand it when a woman is more successful than me.”

16. [We’re sprawled out drunk in the living room, after a pool party where several adorable babies had been present.] Him (pouting): “I want a baby.” Me: “Awww, that’s cute.” Him: “Not with you, though. I need someone who will balance out my genes.”

17. “It was last night when I was playing the keyboard with my band, stuffing my face full of greasy Chinese food and drinking so much whiskey I was on the floor and couldn’t move … I realized I would so much rather do this than spend time with you.” [Parting words, care of my last boyfriend.]

18. “I’m only half sorry.” [Every single time he told a black joke in my presence … I’m half black.]

19. “I didn’t call you for a month because [big shrug] … New York.”

20. “I love you so much that if the hottest girl in the world asked me on a date I’d say ‘hell … yes.’”

21. [I’m 17, it’s my first time taking my pants off with a guy.] “Oh. Uh. … I think I have some scissors.”

22. [Ex-husband:] “It’s like you’re a trophy! I mean, not that you’re a trophy …”

23. [After helping to zip up the back of a too-small strapless sample sale dress that I purchased without trying on first] “Haha, your back looks like an ass!”

24. “No, my mom just thinks you’re really low-maintenance. You know, because the last few girls I’ve dated have all been models, and you’re … not.”

25. “Sorry, I’m too tired for sex … but I’m not too tired for a blowjob!”

26. “I have to have a movie on at night, or else I can’t fall asleep because I start thinking about all the horrible things I’ve done in my life, like that time I held up those people at gunpoint for money to buy heroin.”

27. “I wonder when you’re going to start actually looking pregnant. You just keep getting wider.”

28. “You know, your face still looks OK.” [Very, very pregnant.]

29. [Shortly after our (contentious and mean) breakup, an ex-boyfriend said to me:] “If we had still been together when you turned 40, I was going to ask you to marry me.” [I think I might have snort-laughed and replied “And second prize is TWO weeks in Toronto.” Just to make it sadder and funnier, I was probably only 36 or 37 when we split up!]

30. [After explaining to my ex-boyfriend that I was breaking up with him] “I don’t think so, let’s just play it by ear.”

31. [Messing around in bed] “YOU’RE SO MUSHY!!! I LOOOOVE IT!”

32. “You’re sexy because you’re so smart.” [I had just taken off my clothes.]

Previously: Amusingly Horrible Things Moms Have Said.

Next: Amusingly Horrible Things Bosses Have Said: The Bracket. Please submit!