The Four Kinds of Airplane Passengers

Speaking of planes

1. The people who are supposed to board early: first class passengers, parents with small children, and anyone who needs additional assistance.

2. Everyone else.

3. The childless people — dozens of them — who are somehow already seated by the time everyone else boards, all throughout the plane, because they boarded before their zones were called. Why? Why did they do that? Did they feel they didn’t have to wait in the cluster by the gate? Did they want to sit in their plane chairs for seven extra minutes? Did they want to put their bags in the thing first? Why?

4. The people who hear the flight attendant say, “Please put your bags in the overhead bin with either the wheels facing in or the wheels facing out — do not put your bag on its side, I repeat, do not put your bag on its side — so that we can maximize luggage space for everyone,” and then lift their bags up and leave them on their sides in the middle of the bin. Also these people’s shirts say “Sorry, ladies, I only date models.”

Anyway, here is a theoretically improved way to board a plane.