The Facebook Purity Test
by Chiara Atik
For every question you answer “Yes” subtract one point from 100. The remainder is your Facebook Purity.
- Do you have a Facebook account?
- Did you join in 2004–2005?
- Do you remember being annoyed when Facebook started allowing high school students?
- Click on your profile picture to see all your old profile pictures. Are there more than 20 of them?
- More than 40 profile pictures?
- Do you have more than 1,000 friends?
- Have you ever compared your friend count to someone else’s?
- Do you “Friend” people immediately after meeting them, even if you’re unlikely to ever meet again?
- Do you accept Friend Requests from anyone who has “mutual friends” with you, even if you don’t know who that person is?
- Do you accept friend requests, regardless of the existence of “mutual friends?”
- Do you ever friend someone yourself because you’ve noticed that you have mutual friends?
- Do you have a Facebook “Page,” in addition to a Facebook profile?
- Have you ever asked or encouraged your friends to become “Fans” of your Facebook Page?
- Have you ever been in a relationship on Facebook?
- Have you been in an “It’s Complicated” relationship on Facebook?
- Are you currently in a fake relationship or marriage on Facebook?
- Have you ever broken up with someone by simply changing your Facebook relationship status?
- Have you ever announced a major life event by changing your Facebook Information (changing your status to “engaged,” changing your status to “divorced,” changing your gender, etc.)?
- Are you trying to mask your sexuality by not answering the “Interested In” question on your profile?
- Do you hide the year of your birth on Facebook in an attempt to look older/younger?
- Have you ever unfriended an ex on Facebook?
- Have you ever unfriended an ex’s friends on Facebook?
- Have you ever friended an ex’s new significant other on Facebook?
- Have you ever looked up an ex’s new significant other on Facebook and gotten disproportionately enraged that his/her privacy settings are set to super high so you can’t see their pictures?
- Do you use Facebook to look up exes and try to determine whether or not you’re better off without them?
- Have you ever deleted your Facebook account in frustration or protestation, only to eventually reactivate it later?
- Have you ever been the administrator of a private Facebook group based on an inside joke?
- Have you ever been the administrator of a public Facebook group that gained 5,000 or more members?
- Are you a creator or administrator of “I Flip My Pillow Over To Get To The Cold Side,” “I Will Go Slightly Out Of My Way To Step On That Crunchy-Looking Leaf,” or “I Don’t Care How Comfortable Crocs Are, You Look Like A Dumbass”?
- Have you ever been in a Facebook group to protest a new Facebook feature or update?
- Have you ever poked someone?
- Have you ever engaged in a “poking war”?
- Have you engaged in a poking war in the last year?
- Do you write on everyone’s wall for their birthday, even if you don’t actually know/talk to that person in real life?
- Have you ever done anything to artificially inflate the amount of birthday messages on your own wall?
- Have you ever, in the history of your Facebook account, purchased a Facebook gift to send someone?
- Have you ever, in the history of your account, purchased a Facebook gift to send to yourself anonymously?
- Have you ever written something inane on someone else’s wall, just to “mark your territory”?
- Have you ever asked a friend to write something specific on your wall, in the hopes of someone else seeing it?
- Have you ever tried to search for someone, but accidentally typed their name into your status instead of the search box?
- Do you have over 1,000 photos of you tagged?
- Are most of these photos ones you’ve uploaded yourself?
- Are there any pictures tagged of you on Facebook in which you’re clearly intoxicated?
- Are there any pictures tagged of you on Facebook in which you’re doing something illegal?
- Are there any pictures tagged of you on Facebook in which you’re not wearing clothes?
- Are there any pictures tagged of you on Facebook with an ex?
- Are there any pictures of you on Facebook, not tagged, that would cause serious damage to your career or reputation were they to come to light?
- Have you ever knowingly uploaded or tagged an unflattering picture of someone?
- Have you ever been caught cheating or flirting thanks to Facebook?
- Are you ever more excited about uploading a vacation album than you are about going on the actual vacation?
- Have you ever knowingly uploaded pictures of yourself tagged with someone attractive because it sort of looks like you might be dating?
- Have you ever looked through the entire “See Friendship” archive of two people, neither of whom were you?
- Have you ever looked through every single photo of a crush, high school sweetheart, or one night stand?
- Have you ever looked through every single photo of someone you’ve never even met?
- Have you ever eagerly looked through the vacation or wedding albums of someone you don’t really know?
- Do you have anyone who’s Facebook friendship is extremely valuable to you, based solely on the fact that their pictures, statuses, or general disarray of their life gives you endless voyeuristic pleasure?
- Do you regularly update your Facebook status?
- Have you ever put anything about an illness, personal problem, fight, or sexual proclivity in your Facebook status?
- Have you ever uploaded a sonogram?
- Have you ever gotten into a heated political argument with an acquaintance on Facebook?
- Have you ever deleted a Facebook Status or post because there weren’t enough “likes” on it?
- Have you ever “liked” someone’s picture as a way of flirting with them?
- Have you ever accidentally “liked” someone else’s post, and then clicked “unlike?”
- Have you ever unfriended someone in a moment of passion, and then embarrassingly had to re-friend them?
- Have you ever stalked your friends’ little sister/brother’s Facebook page cause they’re actually really hot?
- Have you ever pulled up someone’s picture for nefarious sexual purposes?
- Have you ever downloaded someone’s Facebook picture onto your computer?
- Have you ever taken someone’s private Facebook pictures and forwarded or sent them to third parties?
- Have you updated your Facebook “Interests” in the last two years?
- Have you ever played “Farmville”?
- Do you ever use Facebook Chat?
- Have you ever created a second, or a fake Facebook account?
- Have you ever used Facebook to cheat on a significant other?
- Have you ever created a fake Facebook account to make a significant other jealous? (By writing on your wall, etc.)
- Have you ever gone through your Facebook Friends with a friend, pointing out everyone you’ve slept with?
- Have you ever seen anyone in your newsfeed and had absolutely no idea who it is?
- Have you ever logged into someone else’s Facebook account without them knowing?
- Have you ever noticed that the person who used a public computer right before you left themselves logged in, and taken the opportunity to take a quick gander at their messages/pictures before logging them out again?
- Have you ever left your Facebook logged in on a shared computer and been terrified about what someone could find?
- Have you ever changed or altered someone’s Facebook profile (their status, their stats, their “Interested In,” etc.?)
- Are you friends with your parents on Facebook?
- Are you friends with your parents on Facebook, but only with restricted access?
- Have you ever had to sit your mom down and have a talk about what she writes on your wall?
- Do you spend much time looking at that girl from high school’s crazy Facebook page because she’s so different and you just can’t believe how she turned out?
- Do you have reason to suspect you are indeed “that girl”?
- Have you ever done a “Facebook Friend Purge”?
- Have you announced said purge in your status before actually doing it?
- Have you ever RSVP’d for a Facebook Event you weren’t actually invited to?
- Have you ever made a Facebook event and hidden the guest list to save embarrassment in case no one RSVP’d?
- Have you ever clicked through the RSVPs on a Facebook event to see if any cute/hot/available people were going, before deciding whether you yourself would go or not?
- Have you ever been guilty of creating a Facebook event, inviting every single one of your friends, and then bombarding them with multiple “reminder” messages?
- Have you ever tried to use Facebook to pick someone up?
- Have you ever successfully used Facebook to pick someone up?
- Have you ever accidentally clicked on a virus while stalking someone else’s profile, only to have “Click Here For Disgusting Hot Girls” show up on your own wall?
- Have you ever had to pretend you didn’t know something about someone, when in fact you’d seen it on Facebook during a late-night stalking session?
- Have you fallen for one of those “Click Here To See Who Reads Your Profile” links?
- If Facebook were to develop (or make public) technology that allows everyone to see exactly who has been looking at their profile, would the results be hugely, hugely damning for you?
- Do you greatly mistrust people who aren’t on Facebook?
- Did you actually just answer 100 questions in order to figure out your Facebook purity? You’re a little less pure, now.
100–90% pure: You were born before 1970.
89–80% pure: You use Facebook for the games, or to post that really interesting article you naively think other people will care about.
79–70% pure: You friend people and accept friend requests pretty frequently, and will sign on if you have a new notification. Sometimes you will use it to procrastinate, but you otherwise would rather spend your time elsewhere.
69–60% pure: You think Facebook is a great “networking tool.” You friend most everyone you meet, and have definitely spent the odd night looking up people you used to know.
59–50% pure: You post albums, read your newsfeed when you’re bored, and will spend a good amount of time on the profiles of people who are important to your life.
49–40% pure: You post albums, read your newsfeed obsessively, and will spend a good amount of time on the profiles of people who have absolutely no bearing on your life. You use a variety of Facebook features, including games, quizzes, photo uploading, group management, etc. You user your Facebook Status as a pseudo-blog and frequently broadcast details of your life.
39–30% pure: You’ve considered giving up Facebook because you’re mildly perturbed by the amount of time you’ve spent getting sucked into the albums of people you went to high school with. You console yourself with the notion that “surely everyone stalks people on Facebook?”
29–20% pure: You don’t really talk to other people about how much time you spend on Facebook. You look people up the second you meet them, or even hear about them. You’ve figured out how to find and access the pictures of people you aren’t even friends with. You wonder if Facebook actually does you mental harm, because you’ve gotten depressed while stalking mutual acquaintences and exes. You hope your life looks as fun and happy on Facebook as other people’s lives seem to.
19–10% pure: You don’t understand how people lived without Facebook. You use it as a tool to find out information and disseminate information about yourself. You get excited for Wedding and Vacation albums that you know are coming but haven’t even been posted yet. You carefully curate your own Facebook page, and your favorite part of your birthday is seeing all your Facebook greetings, which you count, and compare to how many your friends got. You believe everyone on Facebook is fair game.
9%-0% pure: You logged on to Facebook in the Summer of 2004 and have not signed off since.
Previously: Wikipedia Entries for Every Situation.
Chiara Atik remembers life before Facebook, but just barely.