The Best Time I Went Home With Someone I Didn’t Realize Was So Young

by Lindsay Hood

On New Year’s Eve 2007, my best friend met her husband at a club downtown called (I kid you not) Love. They just had a baby last week. Hiya Layla!

This story does not end for me in the same way.

Right before my friend flirted her way into a life-long relationship, she pushed me into a young lad whom she thought I would fancy. As I stuttered an apology, she said, “This is Lindsay! Talk to her!” and then dashed off to husband-chase. Cameron* had on a tweed sports coat and an Obama pin, so naturally we struck up a conversation about politics and decided to go home together.

I’ll spare you the details of our evening, although it did involve my friend leaving her keys in my purse and bursting into my apartment at an inopportune moment as I scrambled to grab a sheet, yelling, “Oh my god, get out! Get out!”

The next morning, I rolled over and realized that something was a bit off. I snuck out of bed, grabbed my phone, and texted my trouble-making friend from the previous evening: There is a child in my apartment.

In the harsh light of day, it was quite apparent that my bed-fellow was nowhere near my own age.

I paced around the apartment for a bit, wondering the best way to wake him up, before I finally just shook the bed. A bit of awkward banter ensued as he searched for his glasses (under the dresser) until I blurted out, “So, um. How old are you?!” This is when I learned the following:

1. He was 20. Apparently he had told me the night before and I had demanded to see his license, but I had no recollection of this conversation.

2. He had decided to do a large amount of cocaine the previous evening. This I discovered when the bag fell out of his pocket.

3. His mother was a prominent member of the Republican Party whose articles I read on a frequent basis in a major daily publication. This prompted me to ask, “But aren’t you voting for Obama?!” Why, yes he was! He was also taking a semester off during his sophomore (sophomore!) year to help our future President on the campaign trail.

4. He had a girlfriend. Or he might have had a girlfriend. He wasn’t exactly sure because they lived on the same floor of the dorm (the dorm!) so they’d never really had to discuss it with one another.

On that last point, he started to cry and my living room broke into a full-on scene of Dawson’s Creek. Clutching his tweed jacket, he yelled, “I think that I love her!” ran out the door, and I never saw him again. Although I did look at one of his mom’s books in a Barnes & Noble, and she had dedicated it to him. How nice!

*Name changed to protect the innocent, like … literally the innocent, because this kid was basically 12.

Lindsay Hood lives and works in New York City. She runs The $30 Project.

Photo via Obamalac