Is Your Man a Scrub?: Meriwether Lewis vs. William Clark
by Caity Weaver
What kind of jobs has your man held down?
Meriwether Lewis: Personal Secretary to President Thomas Jefferson; Governor; Explorer.
William Clark: Former Lieutenant, U.S. Military (retired at age 26 due to poor health); Governor; Explorer.
Who is less of a scrub?: Retired at age 26? From what? Facebook? Lewis.
Is your man a confirmed hypochondriac?
Lewis: Yes, he is.
Clark: No, he is not.
Who is less of a scrub?: Ladies, do not waste your paycheck buying your man medicines he does not need! Clark.
What two adjectives best describe your man?
Lewis: Brilliant but troubled.
Clark: Outgoing and self-confident.
Who is less of a scrub?: Brilliant but troubled sounds like fun, but, ladies, you don’t want that man to meet your friends! Clark.
How might an academic describe your man?
Lewis: “He certainly was a man who could fall into a deep depression, into a really dark mood, and sink and sink and sink and then stay there for a long time.” — Stephen Ambrose, historian.
Clark: “I think if William Clark walked into this room right now that, instantly, I would like him a lot. I think he’s an incredibly bright guy. He was inventive. He was a little laid back. He didn’t tend to get as upset about things as Lewis did.” — John Logan Allen, geographer.
Who is less of a scrub?: Ladies, you want a man who is admired by people with all kinds of odd professions. Geographer, Cartographer, Acrobat, Buccaneer. Think of the dinner parties! Clark.
When it comes to journaling, how good is your man?
Lewis: Erratic commitment due to mood swings; gifted writer.
Clark: Consistent daily output; content riddled with spelling errors.
Who is less of a scrub?: This is irrelevant, ladies, as their real strengths lay in scrapbooking. Draw.
How tall is your man?
Lewis: Six feet.
Clark: Six feet.
Who is less of a scrub?: The average height of an American man in that time period was 5’5″ or 5’6″. We are all winners here, ladies! Draw.
Does your man have a dog with a hilarious name?
Lewis: Yes, he does. A Newfoundland named Seamen.
Clark: No, he does not.
Who is less of a scrub?: Lewis, for never leaving home without his trusty Seamen.
Did your man die under mysterious circumstances?
Lewis: Yes, he did. While his death at a bed and breakfast is commonly acknowledged as a suicide, Lewis’ descendants maintain he was murdered.
Clark: No, he did not. Clark died at age 68 in St. Louis, Missouri.
Who is less of a scrub?: Mysterious circumstances? That’s called intrigue! Bed and breakfast? That’s called romance! Lewis. (Also: Ladies, if he died at all, your man is a zombie.)
Did your man bring a slave on a two-year journey into the wilderness?
Lewis: No, he did not.
Clark: Yes, he did. This man.
Who is less of a scrub?: Ladies! Lewis.
Is your man a scrub?
Conclusions: Ladies, if your man owns a slave — that is a deal breaker! He is a scrub!
Caity Weaver is available for hire as a personal scrubs consultant, or as anything, please, please hire her.