I’ll Have What That Character’s Having: Foods We Want to Try

by Emily Weiss and Katie Heaney

Emily: “Raspberry Cordial” — Anne of Green Gables
I imagined this to be like an old-time Shirley Temple, but far more sophisticated. That lush Diana Barry could not wait to get her paws on a tumbler-full (I typed that “tumblr,” twice. Internet!) of this shit, so it must have been good because, since she was vaguely rich, I assumed she must’ve been something of a cordial aficionado. Of course what she was drinking actually turned out to be currant wine (notably absent from the list), but according to the Anne of Green Gables Cookbook, this elixir is basically just raspberry sugar-water.

Katie: “Edible Teacup” — Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
Yes, there’s a chocolate river. Yes, there are plants that kids smash their feet into and then eat out of. Yes, there is lickable wallpaper (a close second). But what I want most from that movie is the teacup that Wonka eats, and I am not alone. I Googled “willy wonka eating teacup” and there are like 95,000 results. I heard that they made the cup out of wax and that they had one million takes where Gene Wilder had to chomp wax teacups. But I still want one.

Emily: “Turkish Delight” — The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Has any person in literature had a bigger craving for anything than Edmund had for Turkish Delight? The way he lusted after it made me assume it was like a decadent, life-affirming pâté. Someone brought a box of the hazelnut variety into my office recently and it was disappointingly pedestrian. Not served in an ornate silver mini-chest? Not followed by a goblet of steamy mystery drink? Conclusion: Turkish Delight is not a treat worth alienating your entire family for.

Katie: “Bubble and Squeak” — Bedknobs and Broomsticks
OK, so I looked this up and actually it’s when you mix “mashed potatoes into shredded and sauteed cabbage.” Uhhh gross? Also sometimes it can come with “leftover bits of beef,” so. Mmm.

Emily: “The Cake Fauna Makes” — Sleeping Beauty
First of all, this cake is so big it has to be held up with a broom. It’s nice that Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather are so well-meaning, but it’s like Amelia Bedilia up in that castle until they realize they’re fairies and they can just use magic to do everything. So dancing little eggs, sack of flour, thing of yeast (?) — animate and bake yourselves!

Katie: “Crullers” — The Wizard of Oz
Emily tells me that the revolting-looking things that Auntie Em hands out to the family at the beginning of The Wizard of Oz are actually crullers, but I’m not buying it. Dorothy mostly uses hers for angry gesturing and feeding Toto. I feel like if she were actually given a cruller — a delicious doughnut — she would have eaten it herself. Dorothy, help me understand.

Emily: “The Medicine” — Mary Poppins
Mylanta is Mary Poppins a fun nanny! Who could possibly be more fun than a sitter who administers what appear to be psychotropic drugs to her charges? Cordial makes another appearance here, but it is Julie Andrews exclaiming “rrrRUM Punch!” that is so invigorating, it makes me feel like I want sit down and write myself an epic to-do list.

Katie: “The Gray Stuff” — Beauty & the Beast
I know Lumiere says it’s “delicious” but also, it’s gray. What is it? It looks like a pile of some kind of whipped cream on top of a cracker, but GRAY. Belle sticks a finger in it (rude) and looks upward like she’s contemplating the taste, but I can’t tell if she thinks it’s great or not. It is, however, one of just three bites she takes at that entire feast (the others being a cherry and another rude finger full of some … brown stuff) so maybe she saw it and was like “OMFG I LOVE the gray stuff.” Who knows! (I need to.)

Emily: “Cheesy Blasters” — 30 Rock
I just want like ONE bite of this in the same way that I sometimes want to snap into a Slim Jim. This is thanks, in large part, to the catchy theme song (“you take a hot dog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza [shredding guitar solo], you got Cheesy Blasters!”) that I sing to my boyfriend fortnightly. I would also maybe eat one of those tacos in a tote bag from Taco Town.

Katie: “Toot Sweets” — Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Basically these are recorders made out of fruit-flavored candy cane, but they look so much better than that. There’s an entire song dedicated to them. Wikipedia warns that Toot Sweets act as dog whistles that ultimately “ruin the sanitary conditions of the factory,” so this candy is best eaten carefully, stealthily, and out of the presence of canines and other animals sensitive to high-pitched tones.

Emily & Katie: “Butterbeer” — Harry Potter
No explanation necessary.

Emily Weiss and Katie Heaney live in Minneapolis and are really hungry.