How to Stay in Shape While You’re on the Road
Read an actual article about it with body-weight exercises and motivational tips!
Pack your sneakers, never take them out, reassure yourself that the act of carrying your sneakers is easily equivalent to two bicep curls.
If you’re in a hotel, don’t fill the ice bucket all the way to the top. Make a bunch of trips to the ice machine! Carry the bucket with a different arm each time, until you run out of new arms!
Your room service burger comes with fries OR green salad. Ask if you can get half fries and half green salad. They will never say yes, but then you can say “fries” with a clear conscience, since room service put an unreasonable barrier between you and green salad.
Go to the hotel fitness center. No one else is there. Do three stomach crunches. Walk on the treadmill at zero incline for twenty minutes. Go back to your room and order Piranha 3D in 2D.
Are you in France? Then it doesn’t matter. You can put on ten pounds, but people will be sufficiently conditioned by the cultural baggage around “everyone who visits France eats constantly but then magically loses weight because walking? because portions? because butter?” to project success onto you anyway.
Are you staying with your parents? Offer to walk the dog. Take the dog to a park. Let the dog run. Chain-smoke the stale cigarettes you found in your boxes from college. Jog briskly to the shower once you get back to the house.
Google and find out where the dangerous part of town is. Loudly announce your plan to “go for a run” in the dangerous part of town. Grudgingly allow yourself to be talked down.