You Look Tired
by Taylor Orci
Has a man recently told you, “You look tired” at work? That’s a big deal. You’re probably putting out distress signals that say “I’m not prepared to have it all!” Here’s a mini-guide to help get your face looking bright and perfect so you’ll never mess up anything ever again.
1. Apologize — Apologize for everything, especially your face. Now go home and fix your face, and apologize to everyone you make eye contact with on the way home. Apologize when you return. Apologizing means it’s your fault, and that’s how you remain in control. Stay in control!
2. Wear a Belt — Studies have shown* wearing a belt not only makes you appear slimmer and therefore more attractive, it can also help you lose 5–30 lbs. depending how tightly you cinch it around your stomach. Cinch it!
3. Ask the Man If Anyone Ever Asks Him If He Looks Tired — Just kidding! Men never look tired, they only look more powerful.
4. Take a Mini Spa — Just because you don’t give yourself a lunch break doesn’t mean you don’t have five minutes for a mini spa. Lock yourself in the office bathroom and set your cell phone timer. Put sliced cucumbers over your eyes, then massage your temple and sinus areas while reciting positive affirmations and taking vigorous breaths. Rinse your face, then douse it with hot sauce. Follow with a quick application of brown eyeliner.
5. Wear Bright Red Lipstick (or orange-red, depending on your skin tone) — Starting at your left ear and following the projected contour of your natural lip line, outline your lips, ending at your right ear. Repeat for lower lips. Fill in with the stick you’re using, or a whole different shade altogether. Go bold! If you’re in the mood to splurge, cosmetic tattoo technology now allows for woman’s eyebrows to always look groomed and alert.
5*. If no cosmetics are readily available, tape something like a prettier picture of you from the Internet onto your existing face. In a pinch, taping post-its, bookmarks, or newspaper clippings will also help obscure your visage.
6. Scream, “You’re right, I AM tired — OF YOUR FACE!” Apologize immediately, then wait to get fired.
Taylor Orci is a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles. She does wear brown eye liner when she’s tired. Someone told her that works(?).
Photo via Flickr