An Average Woman’s 10-Stage Journey Through Jealousy

by Regan Smith

Stage One: Curiosity
This bitch better have a Facebook page. Who doesn’t have Facebook? Oh, OK, 30 results with that name. Crap. Well it can’t be that one, too old. That one lives in Texas. That one has an obvious eating disorder, he’d never go for that, right? Well, maybe he would, what do I know? Maybe he’s really into bony chicks that don’t order an appetizer, entrée, and four beers every time they go out. Maybe he wishes I had an eating disorder, maybe he…oh, this must be her!

Stage Two: Moment of Truth
Is she prettier than me?

Stage Three: Panic
Shit. She’s totally prettier than me. Oh my god, look at her hair, who has hair like that? Great, she’s got boobs too. I bet she knows how to put on liquid eyeliner. I bet she never has lint, dog fur, or bits of peanut butter stuck to her clothes. I bet she showers every day. God, how can anyone have that hair?

Stage Four: Self-Loathing
I. Am. Hideous.

Stage Five: Obsession
If she has Facebook she probably has Twitter and maybe even MySpace too. I wonder what a Google image search would bring up. A YouTube channel would be perfect. Maybe she has a gross voice or looks bad in profile or something. I put quotations around her name, why is this link coming up? This is weird. This will probably give me a virus. Oh, here’s something! Wait, what the hell is 123People?

Stage Six: Rationalization
OK, she’s hot, but maybe she has a heinous personality. She probably has no sense of humor. She probably never reads the newspaper and is totally cool with women only being sex objects in 99% of Hollywood movies. Maybe she sucks in bed. Sometimes pretty girls just rely on their looks and are actually really terrible lays.

Stage Seven: Paralysis
Huh. Her music tastes aren’t bad. She has a quote from The Jerk in her About Me. She’s getting a Master’s in International Policy Analysis? Oh my god. Did she do that drawing? She can do graphic design? Holy shit, is that a guitar?! Can she actually sing?!?

Stage Eight: Reinvention
I’ve always had really good spatial sense. I’m probably actually totally kickass at graphic design; I’ve just never really applied myself. I should sign up for a class. I should start drawing more. Maybe I’ll stop shaving my armpits. I wonder if the art supply store is still open?

Stage Nine: Delusion
Maybe I should just friend her. She seems pretty cool. I bet we have a lot in common. He wouldn’t mind, right? I bet he wants us to be friends.

Stage Ten: Acceptance
I can’t figure out how to draw in perspective. I just spent an hour doing my makeup to look “natural.” Shaving my pits is the best part of shower time. Eff this. I’m going to go drink beer and watch It’s Always Sunny on Hulu. I wonder if Domino’s is still open?

Regan Smith lives and works as a freelance writer in Minneapolis, and is the co-founder and editorial director of Paper Darts Magazine. If you buy her shoes, she will probably trade them for beer. If you buy her beer, she will probably drink it.