Nine Ways to Enjoy Adult Acne
by Erin Sullivan
1. Stare at your face and wonder if this is actually a joke. Think about your past. Is this karmic upswing? Ha, no totally, this is a joke. Right those wrongs, you jag.
2. It’s important to use warm, NO, lukewarm water when washing your face. Here’s how you find the perfect temperature: run the hot tap and let it really heat up. Using your fingertips as guides, adjust the cold tap with a scientist’s precision. How does it feel to you? Good? You’re on the right track, but get it to a point where it feels just perfect — it’s so perfect that you could stand there letting the warm water hit your wrists all day. Then, turn up the cold tap some more. Sorry.
3. Stare at people’s skin when you’re in public. Think about what it must be like for them to have such nice skin. Skin, skin, skin. They are racist, and yet have better skin than you. Remember that time you read an article about Alexa Chung where she said something like, “I don’t use any special products because I’ve never really had a red mark,” and think, “UMMM.”
4. Read no less than 3 billion online lists about what is and isn’t good for your skin. None of them will be conclusive, and actually all of them will be conflicting. The stress you will feel from determining which list to trust will really fire up whatever is already happening on your face.
5. EAT ALMONDS!!!!
6. Eat four almonds.
8. Watch The Judds on the OWN Network and are you serious Naomi Judd who is 70 has better skin than you?
9. Come up with insane hypotheticals about what you would do for better skin. Would you … oh my god I can’t believe I’m thinking this but would I skin a baby’s face and then drape it on my own? I would do it!
Erin Sullivan is going to read Ashely Judd’s memoir if anyone wants to do a book club.