The Indie Rock Cred Test for Girls

by Molly Lambert

Your favorite musician is:
a) Bjork
b) PJ Harvey
c) Kathleen Hanna
d) Chan Marshall
e) Joanna Newsom
f) Feist

Your actual favorite musician is:
a) Lou Reed
b) Brian Eno
c) Leonard Cohen
d) Bob Dylan
e) Alex Chilton
f) no really it’s Bjork fuck you

You would most like to “sis out” on a lost weekend with:
a) Kim Deal (beer, meatball subs, and the Boston Public Garden Swan Boats)
b) Patti Smith (vodka, pizza, and MoMA)
c) Mo Tucker (whiskey, donuts, and pool)
d) Kim Gordon (white wine, spaghetti, and The Immaculate Collection)
e) Kate Bush (ecstasy, peach pie, and horseback riding)

You ‘got into music’ through:
a) Riot Grrrl/zines
b) hardcore
c) some guy you liked
d) a cool older girl
e) you just enjoy listening to music, learning about bands, and going to shows. What the fuck else would it be?

When you were 14 you were a:
a) punk
b) hippie
c) mod
d) raver
e) rockabilly
f) normie

Your favorite Joni Mitchell album is:
a) Blue
b) Ladies Of The Canyon
c) Court And Spark
d) Hejira
e) Don Juan’s Reckless Daughter

Your mom’s favorite musician is:
a) Carly Simon
b) Carole King
c) Stevie Nicks
d) Joni Mitchell
e) Annie Lennox
f) Nate Dogg

Genre you don’t really like all that much but gloss over your dislike of so as not to reinforce sexist notions about what kinds of genres girls are into:
a) prog
b) noise
c) grindcore
d) math rock
e) drone
f) jazz

Your guilty pleasure is:
a) twee
b) pop punk
c) jungle
d) tween pop
e) folk rock
f) jazz

Have you dated any guys in bands?
+ 1 points for bassists
+ 2 points for lead guitarists
+ 3 points for lead singers
+ 5 points for drummers
 — 3 points for sound techs
-10 points for music bloggers
+1 point if they were in Elephant 6
+10 points if it was Jeff Mangum
+100 points if they were in Minor Threat and you got them to ‘break edge’
0 points if you are Courtney Love

Your indie rock dream date is:
a) Stephen Malkmus
b) Ian Svenonius
c) Jim O’Rourke
d) David Byrne
e) Lou Barlow
f) Jandek

You generally date guys who have (check all that apply):
— beards
 — glasses
 — shaggy hair
 — a sense of entitlement about their taste in everything
 — great record collections
 — complicated emotional issues

You have (check all that apply):
— alienated guys by being more knowledgeable about music than they are
 — been in a confrontational argument with a condescending dude about music
 — been surprised when guys say they’re “surprised that you know so much about music”
 — used your gender as leverage to meet bands
 — worked as a merch girl
 — gotten in a flame war on a message board about gender
 — met some really nice cool guys that like music as much as you do

At some point in your life, you have had (check all that apply):
— piercings
 — a white belt
 — jet black dyed hair
 — combat boots
 — band pins
 — really worn out Chuck Taylors
 — nerd glasses
 — bad posture
 — crippling marijuana addiction

Your life goals include:
a) touring in a band with your friends
b) starting an all ages venue
c) retiring to Dial House
d) running a message board for rhythm guitarists
e) getting the hell out of this town

For scoring, you’ll have to buy the book.

Molly Lambert will be writing for Bill Simmons’s ESPN project starting this summer.