People You Might Not Want to Have Casual Sex With
by Anna Breslaw
- People who are rude to waiters.
- People whose wives will be home — seriously — any second.
- People who give you that pre-coitus disclaimer, like, “Just don’t fall in love with me, because I’m trouble / complicated / confused / constipated / an Animorph.”
- People whose hobbies include throwing up in YouTube videos.
- People who pronounce it “Ann Rand.”
- People who correct people who pronounce it “Ann Rand.”
- People with toddlers who stare at you across the table while scribbling a piece of construction paper completely black with crayon.
- People who make you feel bad for talking.
- People who make you feel bad.
- People who think flirting is “Hi, my name’s Eric, those cargo pants are super-unflattering.”
- People who taught you in middle school.
- People in middle school.
- People with shrapnel in their calf from the Hundred Days’ War and are ghosts.
- Any other kind of ghost.
- People in ragged clothing who scream on the subway.
- That divorced friend of your father’s.
Anna Breslaw has written for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, the New York Times, Gawker Media, Ology Media, and Heeb Magazine online. She is a loyal consumer of Drake’s Devil Dogs and sucks at cardinal direction.