Create the Breasts You Have Always Wanted

by Bonnie

You don’t have to find the right bra for the breasts you happen to have. And don’t let anyone tell you to love and accept your rack just as it is. Instead, remold the bosom you were given into something more acceptable with diet, exercise and attitude.

To firm up the muscles that support the breasts (not the breasts themselves), smile as widely as you can (until it turns into a grimace), hold for a count of ten, and release. Repeat five times.

— Linda Stasi, Looking Good Is the Best Revenge (1984)

It’s a tradeoff of course, because that grimace will give you wrinkles. Ladies choice!

Warning: very lightly NSFW chart after the jump.

A simple and pleasant way to exercise the muscles connected with the bosom is to bend from the waist while you are brushing your hair, and brush rhythmically with a brush in each hand.

— Robert Alan Franklyn, M.D., Developing Bosom Beauty (1959)

Fun fact: the more deranged you look while performing an exercise, the better it’s working. Diet is important, too.

Now for a surprise, You can reduce your breasts. I have an absolute, sure way. But wait until warm weather. You’ll feel much better if you do it then. You must rely entirely on a special diet…For three days is succession do this. When you get up in the morning, drink a glass of hot or cold water. Two hours after your water, drink six ounces of buttermilk. Two hours later, drink another six ounces. Do this every two hours until bed-time. Remember this must be done three days in succession…this buttermilk diet never fails.

— Sylvia of Hollywood, No More Alibis (1934)

I’m pretty sure this works by making your breasts appear smaller in relation to the rest of you, which as plumped up considerably in the last few days. If your issue is not too many breasts but too few, here is an excellent, if slightly confusing, fool-proof plan.

For developing the breasts there is only one course which may possibly succeed. Take up swimming and singing, with an instructor for both.

— Sylvia Ullback’s Secretary, Hollywood Undresses, observations of Sylvia as noted to her secretary (1931)

What exactly is she implying? Possibly nothing. I’m really not sure.

The size, shape, firmness and erectness of the breasts, also their relation to the size and contour of the body are all taken into account when a woman is appraised for her charm. By strengthening the supporting muscles, exercise can cause the breasts to be held more erectly and carried more proudly, thus greatly enhancing the personality.

— Ern and Bud Westmore, Beauty, Glamour, and Personality (1947)

Pretty much whenever someone refers to your personality, they are actually talking about your breasts. Even when they say you have a “difficult” personality. But I’m sure you know that by now.