Who Should Pay for Dates, Human Fur, and Sex Etiquette

by A Lady

God has cursed me with fur. Fully dressed, I look pretty good in a skinny indie-kid way, but as soon as clothes start coming off, I might as well be draped in a shag carpet, and I am REALLY self-conscious about it. I’m sure the look works for muscle-bound lumberjacks, but I’m built like a stick insect. I wouldn’t mind putting extra effort into grooming, but where do I start? Could you, like, rank bodyparts in order of how horrible they look covered in fur? Or should I just do an all-over trim so it doesn’t get too long anywhere?

Firstly (furstly? ugh), God has not cursed you. Some ladies enjoy furry men! It’s a sign of masculinity and such, and fun to run your fingers through and pull on during sexytimes. If you’re really intent on getting rid of it, though, you’re not going to like my answer: it’s the back hair that tends to be the least desirable. Which is not at all something you can take care of yourself (also if you sever some sort of artery attempting to shave your back yourself, please do not sue the Hairpin). If you wanted to go and get your back waxed, that might be an option, but being a completely hairy guy with an oddly hairless back might not work well either. As for trimming, I wouldn’t suggest any all-over action. You’ll just become covered in stubble and all prickly. Some shaping might not be a bad idea, though — the hair at the top of your chest/bottom of your neck should NEVER get so long it’s peeking out of crew-necked shirts, and assuming your pubes are proportionately more wild than the average short’n’curlies, you may want to do some light grooming there as well. Emphasis on LIGHT.

I have not ranked body parts in terms of horribleness, because seriously man, stop hating your fur. A hairy chest/abdomen and hairy arms are adored by many a lady, and she’s not paying attention to your legs anyway.

It’s 2011, what’s the current etiquette for paying for dates, especially now that dating in higher volume has become easier thanks to the internet? I’ve recently been on four dates with a woman who, in most respects, is cool and down-to-earth. However, I’ve been a little put off by the fact that she has never offered to pick up the tab for a single thing. Not big bills, tiny bills, coffee, not even a check-in to see what the arrangement is. In one instance we went to a bar following an expensive dinner and she went to talk to the bartender about the wine list and came back and gave me an order to place on her behalf. That’s weird, right? Are we back in the 1940s? Am I a cheapskate for expecting at least a polite offer to chip in? It’s not about the money, I swear! (I make more money. She’s a grad student working a part-time job.) I’m fine picking up the full tab and I was going to insist on it for at least the first couple dates, but I really want some sign of life, some sign that we are equals in this dating game. If we decide to keep hanging out, do I bring this up at some point? What’s normal? What should I do? Please help!

The current etiquette varies. If this girl were a friend of mine, I would give her grief for not at least offering to go halfsies on something by now. Standard thought among my girl friends is that, while offering to pay half from the beginning, you let the guy pay for the first date or two, then insist on paying half — or at least something — on subsequent dates. However, I don’t know this girl. She could be really traditional and a fan of chivalry and all that crap. Also, based on “grad student with part-time job” she also could be really broke. Like really, really broke. Although if she is, and she’s debating the wine list and then having you order for her (which, yes, totally weird) that takes some major guts on her part.

This is definitely not normal or particularly enlightened, but if you want to keep seeing her and don’t want her to get offended, I would advise against bringing it up. It’s most definitely a conscious decision on her part to let you pay for everything.

There’s a slim chance she’s waiting for you to offer to split the bill — which I would try on an inexpensive date first, in case she really is super-broke. A simple “so, should we split this” when the check comes is your best way of trying this, but I would only suggest that if you’re willing to risk offending her. Having a whole conversation on this topic is only going to make you both uncomfortable.

I’m confused about the “cum on her face” question last time. Do most girls prefer to be cum on? Every woman I’ve been with has always liked me to cum inside of them or in the condom while I’m inside them. Should I have been asking where they wanted it instead of just assuming they didn’t want a splooge bath?

All different girls prefer all different things. I am A Lady, I am not All the Ladies. This is something you should discuss with the specific girl you’re planning on cumming in/on. Some find semen gross, others don’t mind it or even enjoy it. If this is something that really turns a girl on, she’s most likely going to let you know before you think to ask her. However, there are some indicators — if one of the things she does when giving a blowjob involves rubbing the head of your dick on her closed lips and lower face (this is usually done while making eye contact) and doesn’t mind smearing precum/saliva all over her face, you’ve got a higher chance of success. Or if she gets turned on by sex that’s sometimes seen as rough or degrading (face-fucking, anal, etc.) it’s more likely that she’ll be into it. Ask her! Warning: try to avoid cumming in her hair, and NEVER cum in her eyes. That shit stings.

I’m having sex with a woman with a spacious vagina. Any tips on positions that will help make her temporarily tighter down there?


No, really, you can’t fuck your way to a tighter vadge. Intercourse causes the vagina to stretch and elongate, so sex will only ever loosen her up. There are, however, positions that will make her feel tighter to you — anything where she’s got her legs closed will do the trick. So try doggy style with her knees touching each other, or her bending over something with her legs together and you coming in from behind. Speaking of which, if tightness is your main priority, see if she’s into anal. For obvious reasons, the asshole’s far tighter. Or take advantage of her spaciousness! Play with large sex toys and maybe even fisting, depending on what she’s up for. As for your pleasure, the “your dick in her mouth” position is always a good one.

Now that I’ve given you the advice you’ve asked for, I have to ask — really? Her vagina’s too big? It’s pussy, and you have access to it, and you’re still not satisfied? Since I had to do a bit of research on this to double check that, indeed, legs-closed is the way to go, I found that googling “positions to make a big vagina feel smaller” doesn’t yield many results. The inverse, however — “positions to make a small dick feel bigger” — gives you a plethora of advice. Perhaps you should look there.

Previously: Bisexuality, “Ass Worship,” and Failures in the Bedroom.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?