What Went on at This Spooky Ancient Winery?

[A] prehistoric people in what’s now Armenia also built the world’s oldest known winery, a new study says. Undertaken at a burial site, their winemaking may have been dedicated to the dead.

Setting: 4000 B.C., a cave.

“Can you grab me some wine from that hole over there?”

“Sure.” [Walks over to the hole and looks inside. About a minute passes in silence.]

“What’s taking so long?”

“… Nothing.”


“Ahhh, I just hate that hole, it’s dark and scary as shit.”

“Haha. Well can you get me some wine from that hole next to it?”

“OK.” [Stares into a hole next to the first one.]


“Shoot, I’m sorry, this one is absolutely terrifying, too.”

“Haha, not a problem. Can you at least grab me some wine from the hole below it, then?”

“Sure, let me see.” [Stares into a new hole, but there’s just no way; the entire cave is a living nightmare.]