Sex, Spanx, and Period Surprises
by A Dude
Once and for all. Is it better to wear the Spanx and look good in clothes, or to look less firm and smooth in clothes but be Spanx-free for sex?
Spanx are the perfect crime if you’re wearing them on a day when sex is not a possibility. You’ll never get caught, and you get to look Spanxy (hott). It’s like saying you can play a mean flute solo when there aren’t any flutes around for miles to prove what a (weird?) liar you are. In this way, they’re like a padded bra in that you may get more dudes leering at you and saying gross things all day. If you then manage to make it all the way home alone despite all these titillating offers, then you can let your imperfections out to lounge around the house and feed the cat. Victory! Your self-esteem is now yours to keep.
So really the question is, “Is it smart to use Spanx to get our foot in the door, hoping that by the time you have had sex with our slightly jigglier selves, we will have displayed the proper amount of substance to offset the fact that we FUCKING LIED?” The answer is yes. Are you an idiot? Men are. And we are so clueless about things like make up and hair extensions that we usually don’t know we’ve been tricked until you tell us. The truth is we would have tried to have sex with you anyway, so if the personal confidence Spanx gave you helped us hook up then hooray. Also, we grossly care how hot you look to other people, so if you look better in public then that’s great!
If the question is about how awkward it is to remove Spanx in order to have sex, then we don’t care about that either. For centuries men have shown their dogged determination to have sex at any cost, a little sausage casing isn’t going to stop us. In fact, historians have yet to discover a chastity belt that hasn’t been chewed open. So if you’ve tried Spanx and they make you feel or look better, then wear them! We’re just looking for someone who doesn’t care that we have big bellies anyway.
By the way, this answer was meant for women with spinal injuries, asthma, or thyroid conditions. Every one else should at least consider diet and exercise.
If a lady attends a shrink, does that send off warning bells in your head? Or just dozens of shouting voices?
Guys should require that any girl they date be in therapy, unless of course the lady gets along with both of her parents and said parents are still married. So yeah, therapy it is.
Everybody gets a little “crazy” i.e. scared, bored, or unfulfilled, when it comes to relationships. The reason you always hear the “bitches be trippin” complaint from men is twofold: 1) bitches are frequently trippin, and 2) they tend to vocalize it to their bf much more than we think is possible, appropriate, or necessary. We are wrong of course, because anxieties and strife are magnified and made worse when we keep them bottled up. The problem is that a lot of what they want to talk to us about is “us” and we are not qualified to handle that. Seriously. Every person has their hang-ups and unhealthy destructive ways of dealing with relationships that have little or nothing to do with the person they are currently dating. Bringing these unchecked into a “discussion,” i.e. fight in the street outside the bar your other friends are in, is not a good idea. What is a good idea is telling an unbiased stranger about your ill modes of thinking, having that (preferably qualified) stranger explain to you why you’re trippin and what you can do about it, and then bringing your enlightened self to the discussion.
So when my current girlfriend told me she was in therapy, I was relieved. I look at a therapist like a crazy filter, letting only the purified love and understanding pour into our relationship. The problem is when a gf in therapy tells you you did something wrong or selfish, she’s usually right and backed by 12 years of medical school or whatever it takes to be a therapist. Which means if you hope to ever be right and win an argument, you should enter therapy too. Because that’s what matters in relationships: winning!
What are the words that make it OK-est if I just perioded all over your sheets? And we kinda only sorta know each other.
Try: “Oh my god I’m so sorry. I HAD NO IDEA I WAS HAVING MY PERIOD!”
Because if you did know that you had your lady times before you decided to bloody my junk and sheets then I am annoyed as all get out that you were a selfish dickface. Otherwise, fuck it, they’re boy sheets which were gross before you spring-cleaned your tubes all over them. At least we know you aren’t pregnant. BTW, look around. Your blood stain is probably the fresh addition to the last few. Our sheets are like Dexter’s blood slide trophies in his AC unit.
Is it true you all secretly find vaginas visually disgusting? That’s sort of a vibe that’s out there. Also, interesting fact: Gmail does not recognize “vaginas” as a word that has been spelled correctly.
This answer is going to suck for some of you.
Vaginas are like any other body part: there are attractive and unattractive versions of it. The bad news is that if you have a wilted flower Georgia O’Keefe vagina with a bunch of dangly all over the place skin labia petals, then it’s probably ew. The good news is that we don’t really care. A nice, slightly plump but tucked in vagina is more visually pleasing for most, but even if it looks like a teen ager’s unmade bed it still feels good and we’ll eat it in the dark. Go with your strengths! Try to accentuate its positive features and diminish its nono’s with a flattering hairdo. Also, if you are pretty and good at sex and not very complainy in general, then you’re rad and we will love you in spite of the Costanza wallet in your pants. Smell is more important anyway.
A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?
Photo via Flickr