But What Do His Flowers Mean?

Over on Marie Claire’s site, beloved man-blogger Rich Santos breaks down why guys buy you the flowers they do, and I think he found one of those old-fashioned manuals where it says what each flower traditionally means (“coriander represents lust,” etc.) and then propped it open next to his computer, because oh my god, it is so good. Rich starts out pretty straightforwardly:

Red Roses
Represents: true love
Says: “I love you.”
Also Says: “I’m not very creative and didn’t put much, if any, thought into this buying decision.”

True! And also kind of sweet. But then, later:

Represents: shame and bashfulness
Says: “I cheated on you.”

Go on, Rich, forever.

Bird’s-Foot Trefoil
Represents: revenge
Says: “You’ll pay for these flowers.”

A bird’s-foot trefoil. Rich, if you know what a bird’s-foot trefoil is — and it is this, by the way — then … I don’t even know. I am at a loss. Rich. RICH! Rich, all I ever want to do is chant your name. (There’s also so, so much more in his flower post, by the way.) Rich, where did you find your flower book? Or did you look it up online? What search terms did you use? What are some other things you’ve searched recently?

Update: He found his flower information online.

Hairpin readers, want to talk about times people gave us flowers? It’ll be fun let’s do it. For instance, junior prom. I didn’t have a date, but I shared a limo there with three friends, one of whom was a male friend who also didn’t have a date. He’d apparently considered this fact in advance, because he brought me a corsage so I’d have one like everyone else. A single blue rose, because months earlier we’d all been in a flower shop — I wish I remembered why — where I’d been like, “Oh my gaaa these blue roses are so cool, how do they even dooo thisss,” and he remembered, because sometimes people are wonderful. Also, another time, in February of 2011 Rich Santos left a charred bird’s-foot trefoil outside my office.