Asymmetrical Breasts, Strip Clubs, and Men Who Are Delicate Flowers

by A Dude

I have this great friend and we have all kinds of chemistry (except when we tried kissing each other). After weeks spent toying with the idea of dating now (and a ton of spooning), he says “I don’t think I want to be in a relationship right now. I’ve been the Relationship Guy for the past three years and I just need a break.” (He graduated a year early from college, and I chalk this up to his not getting the crazy senior year he probably imagined for himself.) This doesn’t stop us from getting synonymous, as Jay-Z would say, a few times after having this conversation, though.

Here’s the problem: He’s fine being friends with benefits, and I’m not because I like him enough that I don’t want to share him. When I told him that I was done sleeping with him because I want us to actually be friends, he said, “I don’t see how this interferes with us being friends.” How can I explain to him the ways in which I see this as interfering with us being friends? (And yes, I get that my prior willingness to sleep with him is probably seen as a mixed message). Telling him “The thought of you holding someone else’s hand as you fall asleep makes me cry and seek the comfort of chocolate” just doesn’t seem effective/sane enough…

Men argue with a blind black-and-white logic. His understanding of the way things currently are between you is simply Friendship + Honesty (i.e. Not ready for a relationship) + Sex = Ideal. Women argue more from a place of emotion. So you’re on the other side saying “fuck your equation, that’s not how I feel,” and he’s standing in front of his blackboard saying “umm, it’s written right there.”

You can neither explain nor convince. This relationship isn’t meant to be. By which I mean, he doesn’t want it to be, and you shouldn’t have to convince or explain anything. (You don’t have to do anything except rock fly shit in the springtime.) And why would you ever want to start anything that way? That’s not healthy. That’s not coming from a place of harmony and mutual understanding. Simply, this young man has the onus. You gave it up. And you’ll never ever get it back.

Also, I just re-read this. I don’t get it. Are you having sex, but without kissing? Like Jewelz Roberts?

What is the point of bachelor parties that involve strippers/hookers anymore? It’s not like you haven’t seen a bunch of other punanis in this modern age. And it’s not like ours are the last tits you’ll ever see. So what do you guys think strange pussy has to do with the “most important day of our lives”?

There is no point. I just asked my friend who is a professional best man and he agrees with me that whoever does this is a boring, terrible person who probably once went to yoga class with a girl on a date ’cause he got a Living Social deal through Thrillist, but had to leave class because he couldn’t stop from laughing about the poor girl (not financially, obviously) who farted in front. I once had to be at one of these hotel/stripper bachelor partes. I made a C-line right into the bathroom to do drugs and wished this friend was one of my other, more awesome and normal friends who prefer bachelor parties in the mountains, drinking whiskey in cabins with close friends, going whitewater rafting on mushrooms.

Many girls have boobs that are slightly (or very) asymmetrical. Are you aware of this, or do you usually forget? Is it a problem?

Boobs are cool, even asymmetrical ones — no problems here. There are a few distinct times early in a relationship when a gentleman assesses a girl’s naked body, and I’m only going to mansplain one of the earlier ones here. It is a typically awesome moment and it’s when the guys finds himself checking out a girl’s body from behind when she gets up from bed to walk to the bathroom after they’ve romantically done it. You smile, pat yourself on both heads and try to be a nice guy by finding her underwear at the end of the bed for when she returns and wants to put them on before bed. So yeah man, there aren’t even any boobs involved there. Which is super exciting for the purposes of this question. But I feel this is a very pointed and hostile question intended for some asshole though. The dude from question one, per chance? Either which way, what happened?

I recently went on a date with a guy who made mention of the fact that he found previous experiences with women who saw him a few times and then disappeared “even worse” than just one-off bad first dates. Long story short, I brought this guy home and banged him, and now he’s coming on SUPER STRONG and seems to think this is going somewhere (which it’s not — I’m totally open to dating someone more seriously, but not this guy). What exactly is going on here? Do all guys assume that women who sleep with them are really into them, is this guy just a weirdly delicate flower, or am I the only asshole that doesn’t know that sleeping with someone with no intent of dating them constitutes leading them on?

I could talk about how there are just as many different kinds of guy-flakes as there are women, but that would be pointless. You’re not an asshole for sleeping with someone. This doesn’t (nay, shouldn’t) lead anyone on. If you were returning his text messages in a timely manner and asking him what he’s doing this weekend ’cause, there’s like, a show you have tickets for, but your friend who you bought them with can’t make it now and you wanted to see if he wanted to join you Friday night and maybe meet up for a drink beforehand and then you ended the text with ‘it’ll b fun!’ but didn’t actually give a shit THEN I would say you were leading him on. Again, you’re never an asshole for doing someone.

What is acceptable for a woman to be doing with multiple men at once? I’m newly single, and have been seeing a guy I really like. We’ve been going on dates and having sex, and generally just really enjoying being around each other, although we haven’t had The Talk or anything. (The Talk being deciding if we want to be exclusive.) OK and here’s where it might sound weird (or not?): While the only person I actually have any feelings for IS this guy, I still want to be going on dates with new people, because I’m in no rush to get in a relationship. And sometimes dates are fun, and if I want to make out with the person at the end, not because I suddenly like that guy better, but just because it seems fun/good in the moment, is that OK? To make out with other people? I think so, but then where’s the line? Making out leads eventually to sex, and I don’t want to be having sex with more than one person at a time. I would be uncomfortable if this guy were sleeping with other people, although I don’t think I’d mind if he were making out with other women until we talked it out. Or possibly in this day and age people don’t really make out anymore. I’m actually trying and failing to think of a time in the past five years that I’ve JUST made out with someone. Hmm.

Making out is awesome and doing it is cool too. But making out with someone you really really like and doing and/or getting done by someone you really like? That’s fucking aces! For so many reasons! Like brunch the next day. When people used to ask me about stuff like what’s my ‘type’ and ‘what do I want?’ my answer was invariably ‘I want someone that I want.’ I also like girls who know things about things and look good in pictures, but that’s part and parcel to my version of wanting someone I want. A smile-worthy, Sunday morning kind of person, whose texts you’ll sometimes re-read in cab seats and subway cars hours after their receipt.

This physical bargaining (wellllll, if I only kiss someone else) and future justifications (wellllll, making out does lead to sex) is totally natural at this stage in a relationship, and we’ve all been there. My advice to you would be to simply let things unfold before you. Sure you’ll have to make a decision at some point. And it may suck, and you may end up coming off like a jerk to a guy you like, but nonetheless it doesn’t sound like that point is NOW. Take this time to simply be happy making out and sexin’ like drunken teenage angels with a guy you legitimately like. Let’s be real, you have it soooo much better than soooo many people.

I mean, it’s real in the field. Right? There’s a lot of young punks ’n’ wastrels out there who don’t treat women right, can’t take off a bra with one hand, care too much about album reviews, and do weird things like use Facebook chat and say things like “I just need a boys’ night out.”

Basically, relax and do you (hook up with others, dont hook up with others), but just be sure to recognize/internalize the awesomeness of spending quality time with someone you actually like. Things may change in a week or two or three, but for right now this is my sound, sage, FUCKINGPERFECT advice.

Things will work out. I have faith.

Previously: Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Get Boners When I Want Him To? Plus Anal Sex and Whining.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?