A Modern Lady’s New Year’s Resolutions
by Carrie Battan
In 2011, I resolve to stop video chatting in public places. It’s going to be hard, because I don’t have my own bedroom or a phone or anything, but I’ll just keep reminding myself that my Macbook camera adds 10 pounds and my mirror doesn’t.
In 2011, I resolve to spend at least 10 minutes away from my boyfriend, because I’ve been holding in this Number Two for about 3 months, 8 days and 6 hours (happy 3 months, 8 days and 6 hours, babe) and it’s becoming really painful. And I would just DIE if he knew that my asshole existed for purposes besides sticking his finger in when he’s drunk and then telling me that he was “kidding, sort of” and then ordering a large pizza using the credit card info stored in my Delivery.com account. And then not washing his hands before he eats it. And then telling me that my roommate “looks kind of good since she got rid of that muffin top” and mumbling something about a threesome. God, yeah, can’t let him know that I go Number Two, or else he’ll dump me and I’ll start video chatting in public places again.
In 2011, I resolve to learn the difference between leggings and pants, because sometimes when I’m in a store and I hold up an article of clothing that’s designed to cover my legs and costs between 30 and 70 dollars, I stand there for so long just thinking, “These are either REALLY REALLY cheap pants or sort-of-expensive leggings. Leggings. PAAANTS. Definitely pants. No, leggings. Oh fuck it, I’ll just buy them and figure it out later!” Talk about a time suck.
Making all these sacrifices and and self improvements would suck so hard if I didn’t have other stuff going for me, like my boyfriend, or the 15 pounds I’ve been able to lose by maniacally browsing through Facebook pictures of my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, who used to be skinnier than I am but isn’t anymore. Happy holidays!
Previously: Modern Pranks to Play on Dates.
Carrie Battan is a writer living in New York City.