What Are We Saying Before Indiscriminately Whining “… It’s the Holidays”?

by Annie Barrett

“I got fat.”

“I didn’t shower today.”

“I actually can’t make it that night, I’m totally booked.”

“I bought overwhelmingly cinnamon-scented fake pinecones at Pathmark that it turns out I can’t stand.”

“Oh I wasn’t listening.”

“I’ve been drinking more.”

“I’m drunk right now.”

“Any other time I’d offer you my couch.”

“These three types of pie were half off after 5!”

“TV has been making me cry a lot.”

“I have 37 tabs open.”

“I can’t stop tweeting.”

“I’m an asshole!”

“Would you mind doing me a favor?”

“I was listening to Dance Party U.S.A. Vol. 4.”

“I ate it all.”

“Do you like this idiotic hat?”

“I made cookies!”

“Sorry I picked a fight about your ex-girlfriend.”

“I built you this snowman out of Arctic Chill gum I chewed.”

“We broke up.”

“Check it out, new bong.”

“I killed someone in the Target parking lot.”

“Could you just let it go?”

Entertainment Weekly writer Annie Barrett is livin’ the dream.