Outdated Beauty Advice: How to Never Move Your Face

by Bonnie Downing

Holidays are an intense time. You may even fall prey to experiencing feelings. But when you feel, your face tends to move, and if you keep moving your face, you will get wrinkles. And then, the holidays will win. Don’t let the holidays win!

Jessica Krane was inarguably MISTRESS OF HER FACE. She was also the author of classics such as Face-O-Metrics (1971), and How to Use Your Hands to Save Your Face (1976), and a self-proclaimed “Youth Counselor.” No, not the kind who counsels troubled youth.

Just look into Jessica’s incredibly beautiful, cold, dead eyes. Intimidated? Exactly. When people are spooked by you, they’ll stop making you try to feel things. Oh, they’ll test you. Don’t you care, Jessica? they’ll whine. I thought you were my friend!

I think you’ll find, like Jessica and I have, that elaborate eye makeup is just as valuable as empathy. Why should you let her problems age your face? You don’t have time for this anyway. You have an important, legitimate business meeting.

WHAT OF IT? Oh, your husband can ask all the questions he wants when you get home — you’re unmoved by his small-minded accusations. See how his face contorts when he yells? Does he really think someone as young and unwrinkled as you is going to stay married to a man who lets his emotions win? Maybe it was you he happened to see under that clock with his boss, maybe it wasn’t. Your face reveals nothing. It was for him, what you did, for him. Damnit, his tantrums bore you. You remain unmoved. You look absolutely serene. YOUNG. Though inside you’re so furious you could just kick something!

Previously: Cures for “Delayed Menstruation.”

Sinister beauty expert Bonnie Downing collected tips like these in her first book, Peculiar Beauty: Three Centuries of Charmingly Absurd Advice. Now she’s writing a book about animals and needs a new agent. You can find her at peculiarbeauty.com and in Brooklyn.