Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie vs. Chelsea Handler Death Match

Jennifer Aniston’s on the cover of the esteemed Star magazine this week, above the headline “I Can’t Stop Loving Brad,” thanks, apparently, to her buddy Chelsea Handler’s anti-Angelina Jolie “comedy” rant (which included such punchlines as “You’re a homewrecker [and] … a fucking cunt”).

In her own defense, Chelsea says, “I’ve been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother. If I’ve learned nothing from this, it’s to write some new jokes.” Orrrr possibly revisit the definition of “joke,” but sure.

I envision Chelsea as a barnacle, or one of those parasite fish who hang onto sharks’ mouths. Just clinging on and sucking the garbage out of their teeth, hoping people might notice what an effective garbage-sucker she is. “Mmm, rotted flesh is where it’s at.”

Sorry, for a second there I genuinely thought I had a more-eloquent way to say Chelsea Handler’s a total drag, but I definitely don’t! I guess I just can’t stop loving Brad. Do celebrities make you crazy? I mean, the weight of just understanding them is too much to bear sometimes.