How to Be a Totally Crushable Celebrity Dude
by Arianna Stern
1. Be a vulnerable male musician. Make self-deprecating jokes about the junk food you eat on the road. Have a haircut that’s sort of stupid, but not totally stupid. Wear clothes that come from an indeterminate era. Mention that you had a shitty childhood, and turn away from the reporter for a moment of quiet reflection. (This is a ladyboner goldmine.) Be sarcastic in television interviews, as a symbolic rejection of petty status symbols. Do it while everyone is watching.
2. Represent a nostalgic form of masculinity. Interview with journalists from Esquire and GQ. Pose for at least one close-up of your 5 o’clock shadow. Wear suits or button-downs. Talk about taking your girlfriend (not wife) on vacation. Rhapsodize about the rich food that you eat (bonus points if you make it yourself). Get annoyed by the headlines, but not angry. Remind women of a simpler time, when gender roles were more defined, so men were easier to read. Don’t remind them to ask their parents about that time.
3. Be a former nerd. Wear unfashionable clothing. Listen to indie rock or jazz. Bring up your nerdy high-school interests. Love a cult comedy TV show (bonus points if it’s from another country). Joke that you’re unattractive. Have a “dry wit.” Don’t mention any hobbies that require you to leave the house.
4. Just be stupid hot. This means you, Kid Cudi.
Arianna Stern is a freelancer and hot-person advocate. During the day, she works in the editorial department of a tech startup. She blogs at grayandgreen when Tumblr is not down.