Does Your New Boyfriend Have Bedbugs? Here’s How to Tell

Awesome, one way to tell whether your new boyfriend has bedbugs is to look up at his ceiling and see if there are any giant masses of them “waiting to drop on a prospective meal.” For real. It’s just one of several subtle yet telltale signs.

In keeping with that, here are The Hairpin’s top three tips for checking whether your new boyfriend has bedbugs.

-When he’s in the bathroom, pull back the sheet to see if he has a mattress or just a squirming rectangle of pure bedbugs.

-If he has any posters or artwork, get up close and then look at the wall to see if his house is in fact just built of bedbugs painted white.

-Playfully push him when he does something funny — not too hard, but hard enough to see whether his skin will slip off and reveal he’s actually a pillar of bedbugs in a man costume.