Do You Mind That We’re Hairy and Better at Sex Than You?
by A Dude
Okay so say there’s a friend you used to sleep with, and this person is close to perfect in a measure of total Sexual Compatibility and you’re like just really compelled to love and bang this person every time you lay eyes on him, but now he’s cohabiting in a serious relationship, which is fine, you’re an adult and can control yourself. BUT recently your friendship has gotten a lot closer and you’re starting to develop the kind of love-ish feelings that you do not want to have, and which are very futile and bad considering how apparent it is that he won’t ever break up with his girlfriend, even if those feelings are mutual. How is it possible to protect/extract oneself from that without being an asshole? Just quit talking to this dude without warning? Tell him about ALL OF THE FEELINGS you have? What if these possibilities are equally nauseating to you?
If I were this guy, I’d want you to quietly drift off into the sunset. It might be nice to catch up as friends on Facebook a couple times a year, but seriously, I wouldn’t want you hanging out anywhere near my current relationship. Also, I’m inclined to disagree with your perception that the friendship is growing. Maybe it is for you, but I think your guy friend is just trying to hang out with you as a courtesy to avoid hurting your feelings. Does he really want to be hanging out with someone he can’t sleep with despite the amazing sexual connection? I doubt it. He probably hates it. Also, if his current girlfriend has any inkling that you guys had a lot of sex, she probably wants to cut you in the face, meaning your friend is placed in the stressful position of diffusing his girlfriend’s jealousy every time you make plans to hang out with him.
If this is even close to the scenario taking place, I think your best option is to gradually cut down on seeing this guy and go find other dudes to obsess about, other dudes you can actually love and bang. There’s no need to have a conversation about it, and you won’t be an asshole since I’m guessing the guy wants you gone. Also, if this guy ever changes his mind about the current girlfriend, he may come calling, but don’t hold your breath. Tough love.
Sometimes I get lazy about shaving my legs (and taking care of pubic hair). On a scale of 1–10, how gross is that to you? Please rate both separately and then also together.
For me, leg and pubic hair has to be pretty far out of control before it registers as being not-sexy. If a woman I was attracted to completely stopped shaving her legs and tending her pubic hair, it would be a bit unsettling, but I’d still want to see her naked. I’d give untended leg hair a 3 for grossness and pubic hair a 4 (and I’d give an untended pubic/leg hair combo a 4.5). Being well groomed is hot, but being lazy from time to time isn’t the opposite of hot, although I’m sure there are some prissy dudes who’d argue otherwise. I think, in general, women worry about this a lot more than men and often feel the need to apologize about it prior to having sex. If we’re talking about occasionally not shaving legs for a few days or not trimming pubic hair for a couple weeks, I don’t think there is any reason to feel bad or apologize to a dude. That level of laziness doesn’t register as a problem for most guys.
A fun thing about hair is that everyone has different preferences and there are all sorts of fun styles to explore. All you can do is groom in a way that makes you feel sexy and hope your partner does the same. Recently, one of my dude friends drunkenly confided that he and his girlfriend bought an expensive, electric pubic hair shaver and they both go completely bald down there. To me, that sounds utterly disgusting. It makes me think of a clammy handshake. But you know what? Apparently my friend and his girlfriend like it, and that’s all that matters! So, I say, go by the Golden Rule; take care of your hair the way you’d like to see your partner (real or prospective) take of theirs.
In your experience, do guys ever honestly refuse to have sex with a woman whom they feel has a lot more carnal experience/knowledge than them because they’re “too intimidated”?
Oh my god. You sound like a total slut. Just kidding!
If a dude just wants sex, or, more specifically, good sex, an experience/knowledge deficit wouldn’t be an issue. You assume a certain amount of sexual confidence on the part of a dude going out looking for casual sex, and those guys would probably like to learn anything a more experienced partner has to teach them. Even if a guy isn’t sexually experienced, I’m sure he’d still prefer to be with someone carnally wise as opposed to someone carnally dumb.
There’s a caveat to this answer: I don’t know too many dudes who want to live in the world of hook ups for very long. Most dudes are looking for a deeper connection/relationship. In that context, the dynamic changes considerably. I think a lot of dudes WOULD feel intimidated about starting a relationship with someone who has a much longer and exciting sexual history than their own (a sexual history so long and exciting that the guy knows details about it!). In that case, the guy looking for a relationship (and sex over a long period of time) would probably have some worries about ending up as a blip on a sexual radar screen. He’ll wonder if he can give the more experienced partner something the hordes of men before him couldn’t. I’m sure women feel the same way about dating a guy with a reputation as a huge player. None of this is insurmountable, or even a bad thing, it just necessitates open communication about desires and expectations. I don’t think dudes would refuse sex in this scenario, but they may want to hold off on sex for a while so things don’t feel like a fling.
Let’s say you hung out with this guy a couple times after kind of knowing each other for many months through mutual friends, and things got super flirty and touchy-feely, and you even spent the night at his place, but nothing happened because he was super drunk, but still, you’re in his bed and okay with not hooking up because you’re also super drunk. Annnyway, he invites you to a party the next weekend; you have (reasonable) expectations that there will be something close to sex after the party. And you look totally hot. Instead, he’s kind of half flirty and half standoffish, but you end up going out to a bar, closing the bar down, and he invites you to sleep at his place. Except everyone knows that at 3 a.m., “come sleep at my place” is code for sex, right? You’re in his bed, in a t-shirt and underwear, and he turns off the light and pats your thigh and says goodnight. And then when you’re like, uh, excuse me? He mumbles something about having had a lot of beer … If you’re too drunk to hook up (which, priorities, asshole) and/or not that interested, then why invite a girl back to your place? What’s wrong with this guy?
Did he really pat you on your thigh? Like a platonic, “get some sleep, camper,” thigh pat? This guy sounds like a sociopath.
If he invited you out to a party, that was an official date, and he basically fucked up the date by getting that drunk and sending mixed messages. Deduct big points for that. He may have been so drunk he wasn’t thinking clearly about inviting you to sleep over when he wasn’t ready to have sex (or even have a conversation about sex). Or, maybe he really wanted to have sex with you but was nervous about it and drank too much to cope with his anxiety. I don’t think it’s the latter option, because then he would have been trying to at least make out with you all night instead of that creepy “time for bed” thigh pat. Either way, he messed up.
Did you have enjoyable sex in the morning? If not, you should never speak to this guy again. I’m worried he might murder you.
If you’re dating a girl and then you have sex and discover there’s something about her vagina that’s not quite your cup of tea — tightness, or size, or whatever — how much of a detractor is that? Dealbreaker? Thing you silently keep to yourself but move forward on? Like, numbers would be useful. If her vagina was not so great, on a scale of 1 to 10, how off-putting?
“Your vagina is my cup of tea” seems like a nice thing to say to a woman. I’m going to steal that. Thanks!
In response to the question, I would say no, the physiology of the vagina is not a dealbreaker. I’d personally register a sub-par vagina at a 4 on the off-putting scale (it can’t be that bad, can it?). At the same time, I think not-so-great odor and cleanliness is a big deal (8 on the off-putting scale). Thankfully, odor and cleanliness are correctable (if a guy has the guts to broach the subject. Yikes!). I think this question is a lot like the hairy legs, hairy bush question, in that girls think this is a bigger deal than guys do. Most guy are just happy to be having sex with a person and a vagina is only one of many factors. A girl could have a messed up vagina, but if she has a sexy body, smells good, able hands, charisma, sexual creativity, whatever, then things could still be great. No worries.
Also, if we’re talking specifically about the problem of a vagina being too big or too small, there are some tricks to help you out. If it’s too tight you can have a baby and if it’s too big, you can do, uh, Kegel exercises. (Wait, do Kegel exercises work? Dudes don’t know much about Kegel exercises!)
A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?