Is Tom Brady Secretly a 22-Year-Old Woman?

Tom Brady was already almost a little too beautiful (but essentially the perfect amount of beautiful, A+++ forever), but then he grew that Justin Bieber thing, and then he refused to cut it (“You’ll have to talk to my wife about that”), and then now he’s shilling for UGGs. UGGs! The stumpy, dumpy footwear equivalent of pearl studs and Lilly Pulitzer.

Tom! Gisele! What is going on?! What is actually happening in you guys’s house? Can I come over and see what it’s like? Do you need me to be there? Do you need me to be inside your house, spending time with you? Gisele, if you’re away, do you need someone to be around Tom? To talk about boots? I can do that if you need someone.