Makes Not Buying Things So Easy

by Liz Colville

Have you wasted an hour of valuable data-entry time looking at yet? The new shopping destination from Google? Look, even my dad knows about this site — he just sent me an e-mail about it. So yes, this may be a “dad request” post. I guess he doesn’t know they don’t sell grandfather clocks and Greek vases?

When you first get to Boutiques, you are confronted with a quiz to find out your clothing style. But before you know it, that page has slid over to the left and there’s some other call-to-action involving a celebrity or a fashion blogger. Try to find the quiz again because it’s fun. In fact, it’s not very different from “Who Wore It Better?,” except instead of waking up from “Who Wore It Better?” after 35 minutes wondering if someone drugged you into caring about Camille Belle’s sleepy eyebrow face, there is actually a productive end goal here: you will be recommended things to buy based on the really clichéd style you are labeled with at the end of the very, very long series of questions. (I got ‘Casual Chic.’ GODDAMMIT.)

At one point during the style quiz I was asked whether I preferred a martini or a mojito — and this has what to do with anything? (I chose the mojito).

I was also asked to choose between the Golden Gate Bridge and freaking the Eiffel Tower. The symbolism of this vis à vis my life is really tight.

Anyway, after the quiz was over and I was slapped with ‘Casual Chic,’ as if they secretly know that I know everything there is to know about running shoes but little about any other kinds of shoes, I was asked to choose “silhouettes [I] love,” “colors [I] love,” and other things. Too much work. And in the tradition of online shopping, I’m always going to wonder what’s happening elsewhere, namely in the Boutiques-dwelling lives of the people who were designated ‘Boho,’ ‘Classic,’ ‘Edgy,’ ‘Street’ and ‘Romantic.’ What of their shopping carts? Whither their wardrobes?

Of course, you don’t have to do things in order. You can skip around the site. “Follow” certain celebrities (e.g., follow what they’re wearing on the red carpet lately), and there are a lot to choose from — Jane Krakowski, anyone? Vivica A. Fox? I clicked along to the “Shoes” section and found a category called “Hunting Season.” The environmental implications of this are unfortunate, unless you’re hunting for mushrooms, but the shoes within are not. Happy shopping, or, if you prefer, happy circling around the “complete order” button for hours and hours before command-W’ing that shit, modest checking account intact, and heading to Topshop.